How to Read a Book Without Injury

      I think I should take this opportunity to instruct those who may not be as advanced as I in the skill of grasping and reading a book. Books can be very intimidating, (and some of them are…I mean who decided that very hard books were good for those under three? Just the phrase “board book” makes me grab an icepack in case of injury) but you can do this! Follow these simple steps for a safe and pleasant reading experience. First, you must taste the book, like so -

       If it tastes bitter, it is probably one of the thicker board books and can be dangerous. Proceed with caution. If it tastes slightly sweet (like a stamp), it is made of soft paper that is much lighter, although you must still be wary of paper cuts. If the book has no flavor, it is probably bland and boring, and not worth reading.

       If the book passes the taste-test, proceed to hold it firmly with both hands so it does not crash down on your face (I am only using one hand because I am more advanced...you'll get there), and read the back to determine if it is worth risking facial reconstructive surgery to read -

       Finally, if you have determined by both the taste and summary tests that the book seems like a good read, lay the book on your tummy, open it with one hand, and THEN proceed to lift and read. NEVER attempt to open a book or turn a page while holding it upright. As I mentioned before, they are made of thick board-like material that is heavy and will hurt if dropped on the cranial region.

Before you know it, you will be a book reading pro like myself!

Visit With Gramma, Grampa, and Aunt Sarah!

         Again, I deeply apologize for my absence, but these past few days my other grandparents, Gramma and Grampa were visiting! My Aunt Sarah came too! I am COMPLETELY exhausted. (No mommy, it is NOT because I’ve stayed up all night for three nights in a row! Now go away I’m talking to my fans!) Sorry about that little interruption…Anyway, we had so much fun! I took them to Gardners for ice cream, swung Grampa in my hammock, showed them my playground (where I wowed them with my mad solo swinging skills!), and basically showed off for three days. I also gave Sarah a few gallons of drool, but for some reason she didn’t seem grateful. If they only knew how hard it is to be this awesome…

         They brought along their dog, Poptart as well. I thought I knew Daisy…I thought we were bff’s. But alas, she left me for another! *sob, sniff, sniff* With Poptart around I was yesterday’s news. Poptart was interested in me though (until Daisy stole her away!). I’m not sure if we will be able to mend this rift in our relationship. We aren’t speaking at present. She tried to make up today my licking my hands off, but I’m not just going to fall for her cute act and forget how she treated me. No way! It’s going to take years of extensive therapy and counseling sessions before I’m ready to forgive and forget. Or maybe only until tomorrow….

4 Month Check-Up

Taking a Picture of my Fabulous Self

Had my 4 month check-up today…NOT FUN. I was fine until I got hungry…chatting with the resident doc, flirting with my doc, but then they insisted on giving me THREE shots before I could leave! After I grace them with my presence and allow them to take my weight (can you say invasion of privacy?), they reward me with needles! I think I should have a say in the care of my body….hence the term “my” body. And I do not wish for my body to become a dart board for needle happy nurses! And you know what else? Mommy wouldn’t even watch! Daddy stayed with me while mommy left the room! Ok, if my own mother can’t bear to watch, yet is obviously unable to do anything to stop them, you know those people in scrubs must be evil! Poor mommy…she was heartbroken. I consoled her later with some smiles, and she felt much better. I have to be strong for the both of us. In other news, I yet again astound and amaze with my physical prowess. I can stand for a long time as long as I have something to lean on. Not that I need anything to lean on, but I don’t want mommy to get to excited and send me to the Olympics or something. I would hate to embarrass all those grown-ups when I thrash them mightily.  Although I’ve never been to London…

This is me Standing

Baby Gear Blunders

Happy Anniversary Nanna and Poppy! To celebrate, I took an extra-long nap! J Mommy and daddy celebrated their 2 and ½ year anniversary as well by taking me out for coffee. I reached for daddy’s, but he wouldn’t let me try it. Mommy let me hold her cup, which I knocked over with a loud clatter, livening up things for all the people sitting quietly. I am here! You shall not ignore me! Then I was forced into my harness for the long walk home. I don’t understand why they don’t get my input when they design things like harnesses. If they did, they would know it needs a reclining feature for when I’m sleepy, but that still keeps me safe. It also needs to be made from that foamy tempur material, to comfort and soothe my tired, sore, growing body. I mean, if you’re going to make us ride around with you while you do chores and exercise and shop, you ought to make us comfortable. But nobody asks for my opinion, they just force things on me…”Oh look if we paint this toy a bright color we can market it for babies…it’s not good for chewing or rubbing or even holding but I think it would be perfect for a baby.” Really people? Really? Case in point, the buttons on my excersaucer that make animal noises - they should be covered in soft velvety padding, so that when I slam my hand on it I do not bruise myself. And if they would make it a little easier to press said buttons I wouldn’t have to slam my hands on them. I hereby decree that ALL products made for my age division must be tested and approved by me, for the sake of angry babies everywhere!

Musings From a Day with Daddy

 What a grrrrrreat day! First, I slept in til 7:30, then went back to sleep until 10!  I know I know, I shouldn't make a habit of it or it will follow me through college.  Then, Daddy only had school til lunch, and he spent the whoooooole rest of the day with me! We washed the car together, went for a walk, and read lots and lots of books. I also got whiplash from being tossed around so much…it was awesome!!!! He also let me use his computer, which as you can see was a perfect fit. I had to do some stock trading…me and the e-trade baby are partners now. He said I’d make a cuter spokesman, and I must agree. Although I would like to know his secret for staying young…5 years of commercials and he doesn’t age a day! Maybe he has a special night cream. Aveeno Baby has created some amazing products lately. Although Johnson & Johnson’s naturals line is fantastic as well. I try to stick with natural products. Only the best to maintain this adorable face and figure! 

Latest Thrill

Today I wowed mommy with my latest talent…turning the pages of the books she reads to me. That’s right….I turn the pages of books all by myself, of my own volition, without encouragement from mommy. She thought it was a cute fluke the first time I did it. But when I did it again, and again, and again, she got super excited and made daddy come watch. So I didn’t do it anymore when he came downstairs. I don’t like to be put on display. Mommy is quite sad that she is the only one to have witnessed this skill, so maybe one day if daddy is super nice to me, I’ll show him too. Ya know, if parents are so sad to watch us “grow up so fast,” why do they get so excited about every new skill we acquire? As if they had something to do with it. Ha!

Drive-in Movie!

 

It’s my four month birthday! Actually that ended 30 minutes ago…I’ve had a looooong day. To celebrate my birthday, mom and dad took me to see The Avengers at the drive-in. Greatest way to see a movie EVER! However, I feel as though I missed out on a vital part of going to the drive-in - having a date.  Mom said I was too young to start dating, and when we saw this extremely cute girl only a few weeks younger than myself, mom wouldn't even let me talk to her!  The nerve.  With lack of company, I fell asleep about 10 minutes in. But the 10 minutes I did see were really great. My only complaint would be that they allow smoking there. HELLO!!!! Just because you have a disgusting, very harmful habit does not mean I should have to suffer! Did you know that second-hand smoke is just as harmful as smoking the cigarette yourself? Honestly, sometimes I really think growing up is a waste of time, because some grown-ups apparently got dumber with age….or maybe just ruder. And people say children are selfish…sheesh!

Grocery Gab

As soon as I start driving (legally I mean…sometimes I take the truck for a spin after the ’rents are asleep…Shhhhhh!), I am never ever ever ever ever going to go anywhere near a grocery store. I’m pretty sure mommy spends at least 8 hours a week doing something related to groceries…making the list, finding coupons, printing the coupons, looking at sales flyers, remaking the list, editing the list, organizing the list by stores and aisles, not to mention actually going to the stores (there‘s always at least two involved), buying the groceries, and then forcing me to wait for my meal so she can at least put the refrigerated ones away when we FINALLY get home. It’s RIDICULOUS! When I get married, I will not allow my children to be tortured by these monotonous trips.

And there’s always “that lady” every time we go to any and every store. You know the type…sweet, older, grandmotherly type that has to know everything about you. “Is he eating well? Oh my he’s so alert! Does he let you sleep? When are you going to start solids? Does he squirm when you change him yet? How does he like bath time?” Come on ladies! Those are some very personal questions. Yet while I’m sitting there in my harness trying my best not to show the annoyance I feel, mommy just answers them all! Then after embarrassing me to the max, she expects me to smile at these women. No! I will not do it! Ok maybe sometimes I do it because it makes her so happy. But most of the time I just stare. To which they usually say, “Oh what a sweeties, do you think I look funny or something?” Yes lady, I do….