Almost a Rockstar

Sorry folks, but I'm super busy today....been helping mommy set up my (she says it's hers but whatever) home studio.  Soon I'll be layin down tracks like nobody's business!  I'm not not sure if the world is quite ready for the youngest rockstar in history.  Back to work!!

Once Upon a Time

 Once upon a time there was an absolutely adorable child named MLS (yes, he realizes his initials also stand for Major League Soccer; please, no teasing).  He loved to read books, but his parents seemed to think they were the ones reading the books to him.  One day, he grew weary of the charade of pretending he couldn't read for himself, so he secretly went in search of a book.  What luck!  His mommy had left one on the floor near his playmat!  He had to act fast; mommy was almost done cooking lunch in the kitchen!  He swiftly rolled onto his belly, and began kicking his legs and flailing his arms with all his might, in an attempt to

reach the book.

But alas, try as he might, the book remained just out of reach.  He wanted to scream, but he knew that would bring mommy running in.  Instead, he channeled all the energy of a scream into one final giant back-kick, and the next thing he knew, the book was in his hand!                                                                      

He didn't have much time left!  Like lightening he whirled onto his back and held the book aloft in triumph.  But then, just as he was about to open the cover and begin reading, he heard his mommy coming.  Thinking fast, he lowered the book and commenced staring at it mindlessly, so mommy would never suspect him of a covert reading attempt.  "Ok mommy," he said to himself, "You won the battle, but you won't always be around....you have to cook dinner tonight."  Will MLS succeed in his attempts to read a book for himself?  Find out next month in "Once Upon a Time - The Sequel."

Date Night

 I must say, I absolutely love date night.  It may be my most favorite night of the week.  A little coffee, some walking around town, and of course, pizza.  Mommy  claims they do this for them, not for me, but I know the truth.  They just want to show me off to the world.  So why is it that when I raised my voice to make sure everyone in the coffee shop could here me speak, mommy cruelly distracted me with Jingles the elephant.  I had planned to lecture on modern art and maybe cinema as well; I mean isn't that what you do at those artsy smartsy coffee places?  I mean yes I realize everyone else was being quiet, but I assumed they were politely waiting for me to address them.  Mommy says I was mistaken and one more outburst like that and she'll leave me with a babysitter next date night....ha ha that's funny.  Well at least tomorrow is Sunday, when I can go to church and be with my own kind.  Maybe the girls in the nursery will be interested in my views on cubism and the decaying world of art as we know it....

Slice of Life

Some one explain to me why people keep taking away everything I put in my mouth?  I simply have a hunger to explore, a taste for adventure if you will.  Now some things I understand not being allowed to put in my mouth, like buttons, or safety pins, or legos.  But what about the things I can't possibly swallow?  Like mommy's famous blue water bottle, or keys, or puppy dog tails?  Whatever....grown-ups are weird.  It's ok to throw a shoe at your computer when you're mad at it, but apparently it is NOT ok to gently lick the keyboard.  But even when I try to put food in my mouth, some one stops me!  Hello...it's food.  I even have a tooth now.  A WHOLE ENTIRE

TOOTH.  I can gum-gnaw anything you put in front of me to shreds.  Not that I would of course, because "my digestion is still too delicate for solid foods."  All I'm really doing is smelling things...that's right...babies are like snakes; we smell with our tongues.  Honestly, that's all I'm doing...I would never dream of actually swallowing that delectable looking toasted apple-wood smoked turkey sandwich, and as for that chicken quesadilla, child please.  None of that melty, creamy, just-the-right-amount-of-spice cheese covered with fresh, tender chicken between two soft, warm tortillas for me.  No thankyou....

Baby PMS

You know how people always blame a mommy's bad mood on PMS, and she always gets mad because that's usually never the reason?  Well I feel the same way about people saying I must be tired whenever I'm in a bad mood.  "Oh poor baby, you're getting fussy...you must be tired."  Noooooo...I'm fussy because you're sitting there eating a five course meal and haven't offered me a thing.  Or because I was playing with that yellow cup you just stole and put in the dishwasher.  Or because of the hole in the ozone layer.  Or because I have limited mobility but limitless energy.  Or because I hate the shirt you're wearing.  Or because this is your favorite book, NOT mine.  Or because I think this wall color is sooooo boring.  Or because of the lack of peace in the middle east.  Or just because I want to be.  Very rarely am I actually tired.  I mean I sleep 15 hours out of the 24, how could I possibly ever be tired?!  But does anybody stop to think, "Hey, maybe this kid's frustration is due to deep-seated anxiety about the state of society." ?  Nooooooo.  So please, next time you're tempted to blame fatigue for a child's frustrated demeanor, just give him or her some space or time to vent.

Blame the Baby

    I love that grown-ups blame everything on the baby....I'm the convenient excuse for everything -

Inquirer: "What's that smell?"
Parent: "Oh no it must be the baby...he's had gas all day."
Yeah right.

Inquirer: "Want to walk another mile?"
Parent: "No I think the baby is getting overheated."

Parent: "I didn't get any sleep last night."
People just assume that's due to the baby without even asking.  Nevermind the fact said adult was more likely up all night watching netflix.

Inquirer: "I'd love to come visit!  When's a good time?"
Parent: "Oh well the baby has been fussy today, I think he needs to rest."

Person on the phone: "Talk, talk talk, ya-da ya-da ya-da, blah blah blah."
Parent: "I hate to interrupt, but I have to let you go...gotta' feed the baby."

    See what I mean?  Grown-ups can blame anything on us!  It's ridiculous!  I think I'll do the same to them when I'm older...

Girl that I can't stand: "Hey you want to go out Friday night?"
Me: "Oh sorry, but my parents said no."

Teacher: "Have you signed up to help pick up litter in the park Saturday?"
Me: "No, I need to spend some quality time with my parents."

Friend's Mom who can't cook: "Sweetie, you haven't touched your food."
Me: "Oh well my parents said not to eat anything I'm unfamiliar with."

Ha ha ha...oh how the tables shall turn.

There's No Place Like Home

Finally home again after my Tour De South.  Got in at 2:30 in the morning!  Needless to say, I made up for lack of sleep today.  I had fun at Gramma and Grampa's house.  We went to a city park and saw a detention center for wayward swans.  No I'm serious...there were dozens of good, well-behaved swans and ducks swimming and waddling around everywhere, but then this one area at the very back of the park had chain-length fence and those prison pod thingys, and it had maybe 20 swans in there.  What else could it be but swan prison? 

I also met an incredibly ugly creature with a rounded, hard back that mommy calls a "turtle".  The picture with the ugly weird thing staring up that's really creepy?  Yeah that's a turtle.  They're not so bad when they aren't maliciously eyeing you.  And I saw other animals I'd seen before, like squirrels, duckies, and butterflies.

 

I'm thinking I've had enough of travelling for a while...I mean mommy and daddy don't have to be strapped into a chair facing backwards where you can't even sit up or put your feet in your mouth, so why should I?  By the way, if you ever see a very large goose with it's wings completely spread out quickly waddling towards you...RUN.  Run as fast and as far as you can.  Just a word of advice...

Checkin' In

A. The Boys

One of the pairs of shorts mommy made

     


















      I have been all over the place for the past week; three days left of my southern US tour.  I've pretty much been a party animal.  And people have showered me with hugs, kisses, and presents.  You'd think I was a major celebrity.  At home, mommy can't hold me as much as I'm sure she would like to because she has to clean house and do laundry and other stuff she claims is important; for the past week I don't think I've sat on my own more than 10 minutes.   It's pretty stinkin' awesome! 
     
     So let's see, what all have I done?  Well I went shopping for some summer onesies...sleeveless is the latest fashion in this ridiculously hot weather.  I hung out with the boys as you can see from picture A (even the doggie is a boy).  I got to visit with TONS of family and friends of mommy and daddy's.  And I even got to go swimming (pic. B and C)!!!  I was born for the water...I mean there's a reason humans spend 9 months of their lives in fluid...we are meant to swim!!!  And Nanna taught mommy how to make shorts for me!  They are by far the greatest shorts in the history of shorts.  *Mommy stop it!  This is my blog!  You may not interject your opinions!*  Sorry folks.  I must agree that they are pretty great shorts.  Ok mom, kudos for the clothes.  Continuing... 

C. Lemme GO! I can do it myself!

     I have left the far south and am now visiting with Gramma, Grampa, and Aunt Sarah.   Besides this appalling heat, so far it has been quite fun.  Today I made a tour of the place Gramma works, and tomorrow I'm going to a vegetable farm with Grampa.  I need some fresh tomatoes to perfect my Pasta Magnifico Al Dente.  Oh you thought 5 month olds actually live off of milk?  No no...we cook every night after the 'rents go to bed.  All those dirty pots and pans mommy finds in the sink every morning and blames daddy for?  Haha...yep...all me.  Shhhhhh!!

B. Sun Too Bright!