The First MUST be Last

Do you see this nonsense?!  Read it.  Just read it.  Are you done yet?  I know right?!  First child?!  JD is the first child?!  How dare they!  It's preposterous!  It's an outrage!  I am genuinely outraged here people!
"Well MLS Mommy explained to you that she sent in the correct information, but the nice lady at the alumni office just got confused.  She got Mommy and Daddy's graduation year wrong too; just think how they must feel.  And I also think that - "
Oh hush Mr. "First Child".  I don't particularly care what you have to say right now.  This has caused a great rift between us, Ma.  Just so you know.  And I don't know that it can be mended unless a retraction is printed immediately.
"But MLS, don't you remember?  Mommy said they'll print the retraction just as soon as they can - when the next magazine comes out in the Fall.  Isn't that nice of them?  I'm so glad for your sake, because I love you and I just - "
Hush young one.  That will be quite enough of your sweet, wheedling ways tonight.  Besides, shouldn't you be in bed?  What is Mommy thinking letting you stay up this late.  You're not 2 yet!  Oh but that's right, you are the "first child" now.  Psh.