Mattress Malfeasance

Why is it that grown-ups get the best beds? I mean just look at the labels for “baby” marketed mattresses - “super-firm”, “extra-firm”, “ultra-firm”. Labels for adult mattresses - “ultra-soft”, “pillow top”, not to mention that mattress where you can adjust the “comfort setting”. Seriously?! SO NOT FAIR. Supposedly the firmer the mattress is, the better it is for the child. LIES! I decided to take my naps on mommy’s bed today and OH MY GOSH. Greatest sleep EVER! I slept like a baby! Two hours I slept AT ONE TIME and an hour the second time.

Of course, mommy claims it was due to the fact that their bedroom is so much darker than mine thanks to room darkening curtains, but that’s just so I won’t be jealous that they have the better mattress.  This whole “babies need firm mattresses” thing is just one of oh so many myths about my younger, smarter, cuter age group that I must debunk. I’ve got my work cut out for me!

Me Time

Today I spent some time relaxing in my hammock in the backyard. It’s very exhausting being me. Mommy always expects some new talent everyday. Come on woman I’m pacing myself! *sigh* For days like today, when I just can’t handle the pressure, I inform her I’ll be taking some me time to relax and rejuvenate. While doing so earlier, this wonderful haiku came to me:

Having to pretend
I am just a normal child
But I am genius.

Good huh? Wait I’ve got another one.

Stuffed creatures surround

Suffocating and scary

I will run away.

 Poetry is just one of my many hidden talents. I am also working on a sonnet, an ode to Daisy, soon to be completed.

3 Month Pictures!

Pictures are here!  I'd like to give a shout-out to my photographer, Kelly Eagan - "You're wonderful dear!  Let's do lunch and discuss my future modeling career."  I am quite photogenic don't you think?

 

Weekend With Nanna and Poppy!

Checking Poppy's Radial Pulse

My Masterpiece

        I am deeply sorry for my absence these past few days, but I have been very busy entertaining Nanna and Poppy. Man, if you think parents are amazed by everything you do, grandparents are even better! You’d think they wouldn’t be, since they’ve seen it all before. However, just like mom and dad, they also did not communicate very effectively with me. I mean when we went to the nursery to look at plants, I was trying to express to Nanna that I am very upset about GMOs and their effect on our health today, but she thought I was upset about the heat. I give up! (Subconsciously however I think she understood, because she talked with mommy and daddy about that the very next day…I should do a study on this…)

Giving Poppy my Picture



         My smile melted them every time. What can I say…it’s a gift. And gifts…oh boy…I’m rolling in the books now. The other reason I could not write on Friday prior to their arrival is because I was very busy working on Poppy’s Father’s Day present. I made him a stepping stone with my foot prints and fist bumps. That’s right….not handprints…fist bumps…because I’m that awesome. He also received a framed picture of my handsome face to put on his desk at work. He and Nanna were pretty much floored by my amazing skills with arts and crafts. I also grandparent-sat them Saturday night so mommy and daddy could have a date. It was an easy job though…much easier than parent-sitting. Then they stayed up til midnight last night with mommy and daddy playing cards and keeping me awake…(mommy yells when she loses). I forgive them however, seeing as Nanna and Poppy don’t get to see mommy and daddy very often. L I hope that one day that will change. It was basically one of the most fantastic weekends I’ve had in almost four months now. J

P.S. My pictures are finished! But again, you’ll just have to come back tomorrow to see them! J

Daisy

   Daisy and I have an interesting relationship...half the time she is jealous of me, and the other half she wants to play with me.  I imagine that's what siblings are like.  I'm not sure I want any.  I mean right now, mommy spends every waking minute talking to me, reading to me, playing with me, driving me wherever I want to go, and generally doing whatever I tell her to.  If I had a brother or sister, I would no longer be the center of attention!  *GASP*  I don't mind Daisy, because she does not possess near my charm or charisma, so I have no fear of mommy neglecting me for her.  Besides, Daisy also does whatever I tell her to.  If I tell her to sit, she does so.  If I tell her to roll over, consider it done.  If I tell her to lick my feet because it tickles and I find it very amusing, done.  And then mommy yells at her and gives me a bath.  Even though it makes me happy, and even though I'm stinkin' adorable when I laugh, mommy protests!  I don't understand it!  I mean Daisy has what, maybe only a few million germs.  The average dirty diaper probably has like a billion, but I don't see mommy yelling at me to stop producing them.  I think grown-ups have double standards sometimes...

You Can't Handle the Tooth!

My first tooth is coming in. I don’t remember much of my birth, but I know it could not possibly have been as excruciating as this “sharp, calcified projectile, ripping and knifing it’s way through my soft, inflamed gum tissue” (thank you Danny Tanner). It wakes me up at night, it randomly starts throbbing during the day, it consumes my every thought. Only when I eat does the pain ebb, but mommy won’t let me eat all day long. Today at daddy’s school, because a teething ring not readily available, daddy thought gnawing on a cold carrot might help….thanks dad, but this is what I think of your carrot…

If this is what getting all my teeth will be like, I’d rather just skip it and get baby dentures. All the old people in the commercials for Polident seem to really enjoy them. I mean what could be more awesome? You don’t even have to brush them! You just pop them out and toss em’ in a glass with fizzy stuff. But then again, I don’t want all the other babies with teeth thinking I’m a wimp or something…maybe instead of dentures I’d rather just get them all in at once. I would be like the ultimate macho baby to withstand such pain! Every girl under 4 months for miles would want to be in my playgroup! I’m liking this plan…

The Art of Grabbing



Mommy and Daddy think this is awesome!



  I have recently decided that I am tired of waiting for mommy to hand me the things I want, so I grab them myself. Mommy of course thinks this is the most amazing thing she’s ever seen…it’s “shows I’m developing well.” Parents are so easily impressed sometimes (but I hear that changes as you get older). Actually I have always been able to, but why should I when people have been handing me everything? That is, everything except the thing I want usually, which is why I am resigned to do it myself.  I have however been very amused by grabbing mommy and daddy’s faces. I never thought to try that before. It’s funny that the more I twist and contort their faces with my hands, the funnier they think it is. I put my hand in mommy’s mouth on accident the other day, which I did not enjoy, but they thought it was hilarious, so I just keep doing it and smiling. That’s usually the best choice of action when I think they are being weird or too easily amused…just keep smiling. Speaking of smiling, here are three pictures from my 3 mo photo shoot! More coming up!

TV and 3 mo Pictures!

I don’t understand why I’m not allowed to watch anything but Baby Einstein and Baby Genius. First of all, I’m already a genius so these videos are useless to me. Second, I can’t help it if I prefer Walker, Texas Ranger and 24; I’m a guy after all! But it can’t be the violence that mommy doesn’t want me to see, because she wouldn’t even let me watch Toddlers and Tiaras (which is a shame…have you seen the babes in the 0-2yrs division? And those boy babies only think they‘re cute…I could beat them any day!). I almost sprained my neck trying to watch the other day, but no dice. She gave me some nonsense about the “pictures moving too fast for my brain“, and “if you watch TV this young, you’ll never be interested in books.” So not true…I love books! I could read 10 books a day if I had the time. Which I don’t, as my schedule is always packed. Mommy insists I have tummy time, go for a walk with her, play in my excersaucer, practice sitting up and rolling over, do the bicycle with my legs, take naps (major waste of time in my opinion), and read not 10, but at least 5 or 6 books every day. And of course there’s eating 6 times a day. Now how in the world with a schedule that packed will the very few minutes of TV I’d be able to snag hurt me? But you know how mommies are…sometimes they just love you too darn much and it interferes with their ability to discern what will actually harm you, and what merely has a 1 in a billion chance of doing lifelong damage.

P.S. Some of my 3 mo pictures are done, and I must say I rocked that photo shoot.  However, I will not be posting them until tomorrow!  So you'll just have to come back! :)

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Daddy's Day Off

       Today daddy decided he would take some time to just hang out with mommy and me. First daddy and I took mommy breakfast in bed, my idea of course. Then we had an adventure in which mommy acquired our second piano. Yes, you read correctly. Mommy now has two pianos. Daddy and I had been out on a walk before mommy woke up, and I spotted an absolutely FREE piano with bench. I remembered mommy had been wanting a piano bench to replace the piano stool she currently has, so I told daddy we should mention it to her. I did not however tell her to take the whole piano! I was like, “Mom come on this guy is giving away the piano for free, I’m sure he’ll take 10 bucks if all you want is the bench.” But yet again, we had a communication issue and she thought I was merely babbling to my toy giraffe Jeffrey (as if I would ever talk to a stuffed giraffe…besides, Jeffrey and I had a fight a couple days ago and aren’t speaking to each other at present). So we returned home with both stool and piano.

       We finally got back on the road to head to our originally intended destination, where we walked around for about 6 hours. I was like super-baby today. I must have walked like 10 miles in that stroller. Needless to say, I’m exhausted. It was a very educational walk however. I met my first duck and my first squirrel. The ducks were very funny, the squirrels just disturbing. Mommy promised me that there is no way squirrels can take over the world, but I don’t believe her. Those shifty, beady eyes, and just the sheer quantity of them out there… oh my. I also took up the guitar. I am basically a rock star now. As soon as I can actually reach more than just one string, I’ll be unstoppable!!!

Morning Time with Mommy

      Every morning after daddy leaves for school, mommy and I spend some quality time together just talking and relaxing in the big bed. I’m fascinated by this massive structure…it’s at least three times bigger than my crib, and mommy said it’s not even the biggest size they make! Whenever I sit in the big bed I feel like I should be ordering servants around and decreeing things.

      Today we discussed the upcoming presidential elections and who I think she should vote for. Well I discussed the upcoming presidential elections…mommy seemed to think I was babbling about how adorable I am. I admit I do frequently talk about myself, but not this morning. This occurred yesterday too; there I was trying to get input on what mommy thought about the state of our nation’s economy and how it will affect my generation, and all she has to say is, “Yes you are such a big boy! Oh what a precious angel!” *sigh* Oh mom…

The True Depth of Baby Language

I drive a car better than a teenager too!

It never fails to amuse me when mommy pretends to understand what I’m saying. If I say, “Ah-goo”, she says, “Really? Then what happened.” Ok mom…“ah-goo” means “Go brush your teeth before I die from exposure to morning breath.” If I say, “Bah”, she says, “No way! Are you sure?” Well mom “bah” means “I love you,” so you better hope I’m sure! Although this “bah” must never be confused with “baaah,” (three a’s) which means “I’m’ going to projectile spit-up on your shirt…and on the dog and the couch and the floor.” Parents only THINK babies have limited vocabulary, but actually it is far more extensive than the average teenager. For example, a teenager can say, “Shut up!” and mean, “Be quiet now,” or “OMG”, or “I can’t believe that!” If I wanted to say those things, the correct terms are “Guuuuuuh,” Abbelbbbell,” and “Hhhhaaa!” in that order. See? Much more intelligent. I wonder what occurs in the brain between infancy and young adulthood that causes the brain neurons to deteriorate so alarmingly. I shall stay a baby forever so as not to go through that. Mommy gave me permission.

Making Mommy's Day

My parents are very fortunate to have such a perfect child…I wonder if they realize this? I mean today alone I smiled all morning long, allowed myself to be amused by the ceiling fan so mommy could get some chores down, and went to sleep when she told me too. She was shocked…she thought I was asleep but actually I just closed my eyes to listen for her reaction…she attempted to silently jump up and down (and failed) and then I heard her on the phone with daddy and Nanna bragging about it. Ok mom…I’ll let you think it was all the hard work you’ve put into getting me to go to sleep on my own. J That’s ok though. Parents need props from their kids sometimes to let them know they’re doing a good job. I can see how it can be discouraging. Good thing I do everything so wonderfully so that my parents never have to be concerned about me! Of course they’ve never actually told me this to my face, but I know they’re thinking it secretly….

A Few Thoughts on Poop

Can I be frank? Sometimes I wish I could already walk. As nice as it is to be carried around all the time, walking would mean I could go to the bathroom in the toilet and get some privacy. Instead I must resort to plotting with the dog. Mommy makes this very difficult, because every time Daisy gets near my face, she freaks out and drives her away! See, I tell Daisy to do something really mischievous in a room other than the one I’m in, so that mommy will have to go chase her down, and I can poop in peace while she‘s gone. I mean, grown-ups are obsessed with my poop! Every time I poop they say something like, “Whoa buddy good job!” or “That was a big one!” or my favorite “Are you working on a project?” No! I am just trying to poop. Everybody poops! Grown-ups poop, children poop, even Daisy poops and she doesn’t even hide it! Can’t I have some privacy? Am I not worthy of common dignity and respect? I mean, I don’t make embarrassing comments when grown-ups make pooping noises in front of me (personally I think theirs are smellier too!). Oh well…I’m willing to be the bigger man and overlook their silly comments…for now…

Mother's Day Numero Uno!

It’s Mother’s Day! I made mommy melt with a beautiful picture collage designed by daddy…and printed by daddy….and paid for by daddy. But I starred in all the pictures! J Then I supervised daddy as he cooked the lunch I telepathically informed him mommy would like - swordfish steaks broiled in a ginger sauce with mango-pineapple salsa on top, black rice, blood oranges, and bacon-wrapped asparagus. What can I say, I’m a master chef! That Gerber Baby’s got nothing on me! Mommy was quite impressed. I was so exhausted I slept through lunch, but when I awoke her plate was clean, so obviously the food was fantastic. Below are samples of my fine work on this, my first mother’s day! Just think…if I came up with ideas this good after only 3 months of life, what kind of awesome things will I do next mother’s day?!

 

Lunch With Daddy

A couple days ago I went to daddy’s school to have lunch with him. He was holding me while all his friends came to say hi, and all of a sudden they started talking about my bones and muscles and skull formation. Really? Really?! Here I sit, the most adorable baby in the universe, and all they can think about is school school SCHOOL! My tiny little hands, my heart-melting dimple, my beautiful head of hair….they relate all of this to what they are learning in class. Shocking really. What was really scary is the way they went from analyzing my tiny body, to talking about the anatomy lab!

AHHHHH!

Whoa busters! I am NOT going in there to be dissected! But mommy assured me they were not referring to dissecting me, only asking if I had seen the anatomy lab yet. (Luckily she said I couldn’t go there just yet because it is too gross and smelly.)

Photoshoot

Hmmm…the very first post. Feeling a little nervous. What if I’m not funny enough? What if you don’t find my brand of humor and outlook on life as amusing as mommy does? Oh well, here goes. Let’s see…well, today I got my pictures taken. Mommy kept referring to a previous time I had my pictures made, but I don’t recall this. I believe that was in the good old days when all I had to do was sleep all day long. Now mommy expects me to roll over and try and sit by myself and make her laugh. Such pressure!

Anyway, our next door neighbor did my pictures and I like her, but I just was NOT in a smiling mood. Oh I graced them with a few token smiles to make them happy, but come on. The sun was in my eyes, I had my outfit changed like 3 times, and mommy kept putting me in all these “cute” poses. Oh well. I have come to accept that mommy views these pictures as necessary, because I’m “only this small for so long,” and mommy and daddy “can’t believe how big I’ve gotten,” and “grandparents need pictures.” I”ll put some pictures up on the blog when they are ready for all to enjoy.