Party in My Crib!

   Good evening fellow New Year's Eve party-goers!  Though it's late, I know you're all still awake. Well, almost everyone....

This is pretty much all he does.  It's getting kind of old actually.  I mean I love the kid, I really do.  But come on.  Seriously.  You have the world's coolest older brother to play with and this is how you choose to spend your time?  Geez.

Anyway, although my parental units have the antiquated notion that children under 2 cannot stay up until 12:01, as you can see, I'm still kickin'!  Mommy forgot to hide the mini-laptop again....hee hee.  So....PARTY IN MY CRIB!  BYOB!  (That's "B" for "bottle" people what's wrong with you?!) Just come in the window and try not to wake the 'rents.  They have chosen not to greet the new year.  Some ridiculous excuse about "Baby wakes up every 3 hours to eat" and "When you have two kids under 2 you'll understand".  Again with the "2 under 2" excuses.  Come on Mom.  That's getting old.

Man I haven't used one of these in so long....I don't think I have it in correctly.....

The Return of Uncle John-John

  "He's baaaaack!"  Just for me, Uncle John has returned along with Gramma to visit yours truly.  Ok, so maybe Gramma came to visit both JD and I, but Uncle John-John definitely came just for me.  We've been discussing world events and the current economical situation in the country he lives in.  He has grand ideas for a business he wants to start up, and I was giving him a few pointers.  After all, I am on the fast track to be a Wall-Street tycoon by the time I'm 21 (along with being a rockstar-doctor-model).  I explained to him that he could increase his probable profit margin by 10% simply by having me as the face of his business.  We are currently in negotiations regarding my salary (which would have to be QUITE hefty....just sayin'.)

Christmas!

     JD had his first Christmas today!  He wasn't too into the presents, but he listened to the reading of the Christmas story excellently, and also remained politely silent during the singing of Christmas hymns.
     The first thing I did this morning though was help Mommy make breakfast while Dada and JD slept in.  That's just the kind of guy I am....
     Then when the others FINALLY came downstairs (and even then it was only because they were both hungry!), we opened our stockings and read the Biblical account of Jesus' birth while enjoying a lovely Christmas breakfast -

   That's Christmas morning breakfast MLS style.  Following breakfast I helped belt out a few Christmas songs to help my gummi bears digest better.  And you know what came next....PRESENTS!  Wait for it, wait for it....

TA-DA!!!  I now have my very own train table!!  Mommy did the design and put it together, and Dada secured the pieces onto the table.  I. Am. Psyched.  I bet no other kid on earth has a custom-built train table!  (Ok, maybe one or two, but none like this!)  I shant list the other things I received, because Mommy said that's rude.  Let's just say, grandparents and aunts and uncles are awesome!

  And here I am, happy in the aftermath of hurricane MLS, expert gift unwrapper and tinsel thrower (thanks for putting that stuff in Mommy's necklace box Auntie KK!).  And below we have JD in the aftermath.  I know, I know.  The kid has a lot to learn.  Good thing he has an expert teacher.

Best.Present.Ever.

 What a present!  Not the wrapped ones, the devilishly handsome one wearing the Henley sweater. :)  Can't wait for Mommy to come bounding downstairs in the morning (now that she isn't pregnant anymore, she can actually "bound" once again) and find this bundle of Christmas joy under the tree.  I tried to get JD to chill under here with me, but his head kept lolling back and forth.  Psh.  Kids today.  Well you know what they say about kids not having their heads on right.  Anyway, Merry Christmas Eve!  Here's a preview of JD's photo shoot, co-starring yours truly.  Yes, we did indeed have to have that Auburn touch in there....

Cookie Monster

  Where did all the Christmas cookies I decorated go?!  They were just here!  The green icing on my hands?  Well that's from decorating the cookies obviously.  Oh the icing on my mouth?  That's there because.....at one point.....I had to hold the icing pouch with my mouth, because my hands were too messy and slippery.  Yeah! That's what happened.

What?  You think that's me eating that cookie?  You can't prove anything.  That could be anyone's mouth.  In fact, it looks a lot like Dada's mouth.  The villain!  After I worked so hard on those cookies.  For shame!

Picture Time!

 Tomorrow is the day I introduce JD to the wonderful world of modeling.  Yes, it's time for his "newborn shots".  I was worried he would look more mature than I did in mine, since he'll be entering day 14 of life ex-utero tomorrow, whereas mine were taken on day 11, but since he's such a tiny mite I don't think I need worry about that.  He's a bit nervous about it now that I've informed him most of the shots will be onesie-less; he detests the cold.  But with my expert coaching, I think he'll do just fine.  Let's review a few of my newborn shots to compete with, I mean, compare to, his.....

Belly Blast

   As the great philosopher Joey Gladstone once said, "There's only so much weight in the world; if I lose five pounds, some one else has to gain it."  I think all the weight Mommy has lost since having mini-me *I HAVE A NAME!* has gone straight to me.  OK so maybe I've had one too many "welcome home baby" cookies....Or perhaps I'm retaining water from all the stress of making sure mini-me is as perfect and wise as I.  Right bro?  (Scroll for answer....)

Hmmmm....he doesn't appear to agree.

"Two Under 2" - What's Your Point?

  I'm trying to understand why people keep asking Mommy, "What's it like having two kids under two years old?"  First of all, I'll be two in just two more months, so it's not like this is permanent.  Second of all, it's great!  Mommy should be grateful for this opportunity.  I mean think about it - she gets twice the cuteness, twice the adorable jabbering, and twice the cuddling.  Let's face it, once you hit three, cuteness goes out the window.  No really, it's true...scientific fact.  Daddy learned it in school last year.  Some hormonal change take place at age 3 that affects a child's appearance.  Of course, I'm sure that won't matter in my case, since I have so much cuteness to spare.
    So to those inquiring minds who only ask Mommy (who, let's face it, is tired and may not be thinking clearly enough to give you an accurate answer) that question, here's the truth, straight from the mouths of the actual "under 2's" - Two under 2 is the way to go!

Introducing: My Protege

     He's here!  One week ago today my little bro entered the world, weighing 7 lbs, 13 oz and measuring in at a mere 19.5 inches (I was 21.5....but I suppose as the big brother, it's only fitting that I was bigger).  He is thrilled to finally be with me.
    *I never said that MLS. My exact words were, "You are even louder out here than when I was inside Mommy.  Man I miss my womb with no view."*
     The only thing that bothers me about him so far is he's too quiet.  He never cries, he never babbles, even though I've explained to him that parents love that gibberish nonsense.  He's very cute though; it's

 obvious he inherited my good looks.  The charm, well we'll have to wait and see.  Mommy seems rather charmed by him, though personally I haven't seen anything to warrant such reactions as she and everyone else is having.  But when I'm done with him....look out world.  It's MLS 2.0.  MLS: the Sequel.

Clone Confusion

A. Internet has been down AGAIN, so I apologize AGAIN or my absence.  And B, for those of you who thought the great man I was meeting was my brother, gotcha!  It's Dada's clone!  He's been away for two whole years, longer than I've been alive, so we've never met until this week.  I'm attempting to train him as well as I've got Dada trained, and although he's a fairly quick learner, his diaper technique could use some work.  I was all ready to use the potty, but when Mommy informed me he was coming, I thought it best to stick to diapers so I could add another diaper-changing prodigy to my resume.  (I'm not sure this one's going to make it though....)
But it's very confusing having him around....sometimes I go to run to Dada, and it's not him.  It's the other one.  And sometimes I see Dada coming downstairs and yell, "Jah-Jah!", but it's not him.  I think it very cruel of a father to play such a prank on his only son.  Ok fine, his eldest son.
We are having a blast though; Jah-Jah and I even plotted together and went out and bought Mommy a real Christmas tree!  His anniversary gift to her, my Christmas gift (so remember Mom, no gift UNDER the tree from me this year).  Then I had to teach Mommy how to decorate the tree in such a way that the feng shui of the room is not disturbed.  I saw the tree this morning after I awoke.....clearly she wasn't listening.

At Last

  It's coming....



 The event of the biennium....



 The meeting of two great men.......



  Curious?

Today (and tomorrow, and the next day, and the next) We Feast!

 My 2nd Thanksgiving has come and gone, yet all the food is still here.  Perhaps I cooked too much.....

       We ate and we ate, and had I taken an "after" picture of our spread, it would have looked the same as the before picture....I'm pretty sure the recipes I used were meant for at least 6 people.  I was only cooking for Mommy, Daddy, and myself.  And that cranberry nonsense on the table shaped like the can itself?  I take no responsibility for that.  That was all Daddy.  I made the homemade cranberry sauce in the Pyrex container, which Daddy ended up eating more of because it was so much better than his gelatinous goop.
     And for those of you who finish Holiday meals only to go back to a kitchen that looks like the Tasmanian devil cooked in it, this is how a kitchen should look before you sit down to eat.....

And no, I didn't make Mommy and Daddy wait to eat while I cleaned; this was all done mid-prep (*No Mommy I am NOT bragging! I'm merely pointing out that Holiday meals can be stress-free when all you have to do afterward is put away the leftovers!*) I will be offering my professional cleaning lessons and services in about 3 more years.
      I also made a pecan pie, and brownies, not pictured here.  And of course my famous non-alcoholic (because Mommy said pregnant people can't have alcohol) homemade mulled cider....not bad for my first time huh?  Man, some woman is sure going to be lucky when I decide to marry her!

Merry Maid

      As a part of my never-ending quest to make Mommy's life a breeze, I thought I'd pitch in and vacuum.  Not as easy as it looks my friend.  That hose thingy to clean drapes and corners and such?  Forget about it.  A hopeless cause.  The thing is a wiggly snake that bends and folds and flops around until you finally fling it away in frustration.  I bet the brave little toaster's vacuum friend was never this rude to him.
      I can push the vacuum just fine; I'm amazing at that.  So little bro, whenever you arrive, you will have dust and dirt free carpets on which to lay.  Just don't look at the curtains (or couches....or molding....or stairs.....)

Breakfast Brooding

  Know where the oatmeal on this spoon wound up?  In my belly.  Ha!  You thought I was going to say "on the floor" or "on the dog" or "all over's Mommy's face" or "under a microscope slide to check for parasites."  Please.  Ok the last one maybe a possibility.  But do you honestly think that I would throw food anywhere?  You think I would make a mess for my poor dear pregnant mother to clean up?  I'm hurt.  I'm more than hurt.  I'm appalled and shocked.  You cut me.  You cut me deep.

Let Sleeping Babies Lie

Whether tis nobler in the aisle
to suffer the slings and arrows
of judgmental looks as I sleep
upon thy shoulders,
or to shuffle off this mortal body into the buggy...
to sleep,
to sleep
perchance to dream
aye, there's the rub.

Good old Hamlet.

Baby Blues

 I'm tired.  I'm worn out.  My back hurts.  I have heartburn.  My belly is huge.  It seems like no matter how much I eat I'm still hungry.  I can't sleep without multiple pillows (unless I've been taken on a 3 mile walk as in exhibit A to your left....)  I can't wait til my brother finally comes so these sympathy pains can stop.  Man, growing a baby is hard.

Crazy Train

   Mommy and I walk at the mall a lot, but for some reason unknown to me, she has never let me ride this amazing train until just the other day.  Maybe it's because Daddy got to go with us, and she was trying to trick him into thinking she lets me have fun (just kidding Mom!  You're a blast!). Or maybe it's because Daddy is a big softie and wanted me to ride the train.  Either way, this thing is awesome, and I will never sit nicely in my stroller while we walk at the mall EVER AGAIN knowing that this thing is here.  I wish to be taken straight there, and left to ride.  You're a big girl Mommy, you can walk by yourself.

Uninvited!

  Mommy LEFT ME AT HOME last night with Daddy to go a party being thrown for my little bro. He isn't even here yet! Why should he get a party?  He can't dance (although Mommy argues he does), he can't eat cake (Mommy again argues he can....I think this whole pregnancy thing really is robbing her brain cells....), he can't say thank you.  I mean he can't even functionally interact with the guests!  What's the point?  I remember the last party thrown in my honor, but will he remember this?  Nope.  Not a chance.  And on top of that, I was supposed to go, and then Mommy uninvited me!  Mommy tried to make me feel better by claiming I got one too when I was his age, but I have no recollection of this.  And then Mommy came home and painted a picture just for him.  No Mom, I don't care that you painted a picture AND did 80 miniature watercolors for me before I was born.  We are talking about now, not then.  But I'm not bitter about any of this....I hope I haven't given that impression.  I'm fine....just....fine.....

Bosom Buddies (But No Dresses!)

  Wanted to give a shout-out to my buddy.  He's boycotting food as well, and even managed a nice expectoration in my honor.  We planned this about a month and a half ago....I told him back then I wasn't feeling all that well (I tried telling Mommy then too, but she didn't listen as well), and he said that whatever I go through, he'll go through.
   But friend, I am willing to let you out of that bargain now.  You can eat again.  It won't hurt my feelings, though I appreciate the empathetic gesture.  You're a good friend.  Don't ever change man.

Coach MLS

  Mommy has been sitting on her birthing ball a lot lately, so I've been sitting on mine too in order to express my empathy and prove what a great birthing coach I'll make.  Personally, I feel that Daisy's cage is the best place in the house to labor next too.  You can sit on the birthing ball and have the physical support of the cage to lean on, and have the emotional strength of Daisy too.  What more do you need? Why I bet my bro could just pop right out under such favorable conditions.  No? You disagree?  Eh what do you know.  I'm an actual baby.  I know how these things work.

"In Rebellyon"

      Nope, all's clean in here.  I had thought perhaps the root of my stomach issues might be found in the state of cleanliness or lack thereof of the pots and pans.  No such luck.  Spotless as usual.  Darn my insistence on cleanliness in my house.
     My stomach has decided to swear enmity against me again.  Oh well, in better news, I get to go see a special doctor to figure out what's going on.  You remember that awesomely epic bead table post from a few months back?  That's the doctor's office I get to go to.  I am psyched!  Maybe I'll even get to see the doctor who talks with a funny accent (but don't they all these days?  What mom?  Oh sorry.  Mommy said that was inappropriate.....) and uses the complex medical terms that he thinks Mommy understands just because Daddy is in medical school.  Don't worry Mommy.  I'll translate for you.

"Hunger...the Hungry, Hungering, Hunger"

        Well hello appetite!  I suppose for today I shall let you return and we'll see how you treat me.  We have now enjoyed two meals together today.  Mommy is super excited to see you as well.  I'm not saying I've made peace with you or that I've forgiven you for making me eat things that hurt me, and then deserting me, but I will allow you a few more chances today to redeem yourself.  If you do well, maybe I'll let you come back again tomorrow.
         Horton's appetite has returned as well.  He's back to his regular diet of sausage and rice chex.  Don't judge.  You know elephants are herbivores, and I know elephants are herbivores, but Horton doesn't....

Holiday Heavylifting

  As we approach Thanksgiving and Christmas, I would like to urge you all to remember to still take care of your body throughout the holidays.  Now I know not everyone can do as many pull-ups as I (and with a smile nonetheless), but there are many other things you can do to keep your body in tip-top eating shape.
   Oh you thought this was going to be a post about not overindulging, and continuing an exercise regimen throughout the holiday season?  Um....no.  This is about taking care of your body in order to accomplish maximum stuffage.
   First, you should take the next few weeks to hard-core diet and exercise.  I mean go all out.  Crunches to keep the stomach muscles in tip-top shape to enable max stretching, push-ups to keep up your turkey carving and fork holding arms lean and mean, and some long-distance running to help the lungs learn to cope under stress (such as, say, the stress of eating one too many pieces of pecan pie, thus inhibiting breathing capabilities).
    This way, you will not only be able to go up against even the biggest holidays spreads without having to throw in the towel, but you can look the same after all this indulging as you did before the pre-indulging exercise.  Nothing lost, but nothing gained either.

Dog Eat Dog

Ah yes...this is me.  Innocently getting ready for my very first "trunk or treat" Halloween candy madness.   I know....I was one cute pup.  Unfortunately about 20 minutes later I learned the meaning of the phrase "sick as a dog" when I expectorated all over my costume on the way to my buddy's house.  To him, I deeply apologize for leaving him to celebrate this wondrous day of candy alone.
However, there is an upside to being sick...
popsicles!!!!  It's ok Mom...I know you're really worried about me and ready to figure out what's going on, but if I have to eat popsicles as meals for the next few years, I'm ok with that.

InterNOT part II

Don’t say it, I know.  I’ve been away too long.  It’s really not my fault.  Verizon is the worst internet provider in the history of internet providers.  I’m done with them.  I’ve instructed Mommy to call and give them an earful; I doubt she will be as bold, fierce, and ground-shaking as I would be, but I am not allowed to use Mommy’s phone myself anymore, because I texted my cousin too often. 

I have written a poem just for you, in hopes that you will forgive my absence and still love and adore me.

Wireless is worthless.  I’d rather be tied up

In miles and miles of cords if I could only post my thoughts.

To you, my loyal fans, I deeply apologize,

And hope you will not leave me for t’would be my heart’s demise.

I promise you this situation I shall rectify,

And if it isn’t handled right I’ll grab the phone and cry:

“Justice for the downtrodden, internet for all!

Give me world wide access or your mama I will call!”

First Modeling Gig!

 Well it was bound to happen eventually, got my first gig modeling - Acorn Hill Home (www.etsy.com/shop/acornhillhome)!  Upcycled apron made from a green and white striped button-down shirt.
The apron I'm styling has so far stood up to cranberry-orange bread batter, chocolate chip cookies, and mealtime chaos (because sometimes my chef doesn't listen when I tell her what I want for dinner, and food must be destroyed, flung, or spilled in retaliation).
 I'm only shocked that my first modeling job isn't face work.  Take that Daddy!  My belly is NOT too pudgy for modeling!  I'll eat however many of these chocolate chip cookies I want (confident in the knowledge that my Acorn Hill Home apron will protect my clothes from melty chocolatey goodness).  Like how I slid that in there?  Smooth right?  Maybe I'll be a model/advertising rep.