"Craaaaazy!"

  I read something today I intially found quite offensive.  Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic."  I must disagree on one account - my own.  Though I am dimpled, I am most definately NOT a lunatic. 
   However I have found other children to be quite full of lunacy.  For example, while accompanying mommy to the grocery store, we saw another baby.  She was clearly having a nervous breakdown (complicated by mild separation anxiety, coupled with acute fear of any and all strangers) due to her mother's inability to understand that she wanted to eat the shopping cart itself, in its entirety, right that minute.  That is crazy.  I may indulge in the occasional stuffed dragonfly tail, but shopping cart?  Yegch!  I mean, shopping cart has a dirty, sweaty, sweetish taste, not at all palatable.  How can she stomach it?!  Like I said....crazy.  And she did indeed have curly hair, so perhaps Mr. Emerson was right....
  

Blast From the Past

  I'm feeling a bit nostalgic tonight....been looking through old photos of myself when I was just a baby (well...a smaller baby).  These two are from when I had only been out of the water park for 11 days.  I was pretty cute huh?  I miss those days.  No responsibilities, no one waiting for you to crawl or talk or do cart wheels "any day now".  And yet those were supposedly the busiest days of my life.  Mommy said that my body and brain were doing more work then than I'll ever do at any other time in my life.  That's crazy!  But kind of like what I do now....from the outside, all you see is a well-oiled machine - I've got mommy running like clockwork.  But behind the scenes, there is so much more to it than that!  Do you know how long it took me to get mommy on a schedule?!  All the sleepless nights, just praying she'd go back to sleep so I catch a few zzz's.  *sigh*  No one knows the trials of the smaller sect....

Hi Can Haiku Canu?

 Since everyone loved my earlier haikus, I thought I'd write a few more now that I am older, and have experienced more of life to base my poetry on.  These are quite profound, so you'll be needing a thinking helmet, not cap.

Trickle, trickle down
Spit-up falls to hardwood floor.
Plop, Plop it splatters.

Throw it down, yell loud.
Mommy will retrieve each one.
I am in control.

Rings on cylinder,
Blue, purple, pink, red, orange.
Emotions in sync.

  I know right?  I should publish a whole book of this stuff.  Matsuo Basho's got nothin' on me!!!

 

GIVE ME COFFEE!!!

  I love coffee....the smell as it's brewing, the sound of it dripping into the mug, the aroma when it's just been brewed and all that lovely steam wafts into your face.  Not sure about the taste yet, but I believe I'll be ready soon.  I mean it's just hot water and beans, so as long as it's decaf, I see no reason why I should be prohibited from drinking it.  I decided it was time for another family coffee date, so I took mommy and daddy to my favorite coffee place; it's only their second favorite.  I like it because they have a sign that reads, "Unattended children will be given coffee and a puppy."  I keep trying to be left "unattended", but the 'rents just won't back off!  They are always there....watching me, holding me, strapping into strollers or harnesses or carseats.  ARRRRGH!!  I think it's time for a role-reversal day, where they're the babies, and I'm the parent.  We'll see how THEY like it.  Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!  (That's right...a quadruple "ha" instead of just a double.  Because I'm feeling twice as maniacal today.)

Ridiculous Baby Advice

     As I was web-surfing earlier today (during my "nap"...shhhhh don't tell mommy!), I came across a site that contained advice for parents of babies.  Let me just say as a member of the smaller sect, I am APPALLED!!  Do you know what some people are saying?! 
  "If your baby can't sleep, give them a drop or two of brandy/whiskey."
Oh yes, I love to top off every day with a shot or two before bed...NOT!  People actually do this?!  I asked mommy and she said she thinks a lot of parents did this back in the day.  The day of what?  Mommy was unclear on this point....
  "Never pick up your baby when it cries, only when it is being good."
Oooohhhh....that's why there are so many physchos running around in the world...their parents probably had some one tell them to never comfort or love their child!  Not to mention the fact that the author of this advice uses the term "it" instead of "he/she".  Need I really say more?
  "Touching a baby with cold hands will give him/her hiccups."
Ok, ALL adults have cold hands in case you didn't know.  Especially adults like mommy who washes her hands a zillion times a day.  And yet, no perpetual hiccups.
   "Don't keep a cat around because it can steal your baby's breath."
Actually I do believe this one, because cats are devious, sneaky, and creepy.


Daddy!

I miss my big chair at Poppy's house!!

   Home again after a long long long car ride!  And man what a trip....I was mad.  And tired.  And bored.  And fed-up!!  One time I made mommy stop at Dunkin' Donuts for coffee because I was getting stressed.  Have you ever ridden 12 hours in a car with a woman?  Man....it will suck the patience right out of you!  We must have stopped 8 or 9 times!  She of course blames all those stops on me, but we both know the truth.  And she got us lost!  She missed our turn in some big city, and I kept screaming at her from the back seat that I knew what she did wrong and how to fix it, but of course she wouldn't listen.  Typical.  She just had to call Nanna and "ask for directions."  Wimp.
    But we are home now and with my daddy!!!!  I missed him so much!!!  I couldn't stop smiling all night when we got home to him.  And he was so happy to see me...can you blame him?  Then I slept...and I slept and I slept and I slept some more.  But I still got up and went to Bible study.  I may not have behaved, but hey I was there! :)

One Hairy Book

Today mommy and I spent time relaxing after what has been a very fun, but very busy week so far.  I caught up on my reading and sleeping, and mommy caught up on.....well, come to think of it, I don't really know what she does when I'm not around...

 Auntie Katie came for the afternoon, so I expect mommy spent her spare time talking to her about how amazing, stylish, and handsome I am. :)
    I am quite disturbed by one of the books I read today though - Pet the Baby Animals.  This book actually has animal skin and fur in it, that I can only assume was cruelly taken from some poor innocent creature, slaughtered solely to manufacture this book.  I mean geez they took out a baby elephant, a puppy, a kitten, a bunny rabbit, a calf, and a baby gorilla for this thing!  This raises so many disturbing questions for me!  Did another monkey die for my monkey head beanie?  Is that really just a turtle applique on my shirt, or did a baby turtle have to die just so I could look this cute?  I don't think I can sleep tonight....I just can't live with this guilt.  Mommy keeps saying the fur in the book isn't real, but how else do you explain that lifelike texture and fluffiness?  You can't fake the fluff!  Babies know soft and fluffy, so don't try and argue.  I feel so barbaric....

Head Gear

  Today I went to visit Nanna's office (where I once again melted hearts and charmed the ladies....that's how I roll...), and then we spent the afternoon together.  First I took her out to lunch; well I tried to.  I grabbed at the bill to pay, but she got to it first.  Isn't it like an unwritten rule of waiting tables that you always assume the man is paying and place the bill in front of him?  I shall have to call and complain to the restaurant owner. 

   Anyway, we then went shopping, where I began to select my fall wardrobe.  Monkeys are in this fall, along with puffy jackets and footed pants.  Hats will also be big this year, with the two most popular styles shown here.  Now, there are many people who will not be able to pull off the mohawk boggan, so if you think you are one of these people, stick with the monkey beanie.  It is playful, yet functional.

Big Hit!

My new wheels...it's not a Lamborghini, but close enough :)

"Who me?  Are you all raving about little ol' me?"  *flash the one-dimple smile* "No, no, please, stop, you're embarassing me!"  This is pretty much how my visit to Poppy's office went today.  Mommy took me to see him there and man was I a big hit!  Especially with the ladies.  Once I thought I was surely going to meet my death, either by suffocation from multiple perfumes and colognes mingling together, or from being buried alive in dangly necklaces and earrings (which are quite fun to pull; I highly recommend it for a good biceps workout).

This is called a slinky...one word....AWESOME

Poppy also got me some shirts from his company; one for now (blue), and one for later (yellow).  Perhaps they'll let me be the new spokesmodel.  I have expanded my portfolo recently, and am ready for bigger and better things!

MLS Live!

    I love coming here; I always get the star treatment, and have an audience for everything I do.  They can't stand to hear me cry, so I'm never left alone longer than a minute.  Also, Nanna and Poppy got me a walker today, and I must say, I don't care much for the going forward part, but I love to moonwalk!  I can moonwalk from the dining to the living room!  Then my great-grandmother and her friend came to visit me, and I put them under my spell too!  Ya know, grown-ups are mighty easy to control for all their claims of being in charge.  THEN my Auntie and Uncle came to visit me and I had Auntie feed me lunch and ordered Uncle to entertain me.  Auntie brought me a book which I HIGHLY recommend, called Boss Baby.  That guy is my hero.  It should be put on the required reading list in heaven, to be read before all babies descend to earth. 
   I also tasted something called "pumpkin" today.  It was AWESOME!  Mommy says it's a cross between a sweet potato and butternut squash, but as I have never had butternut squash, this information means nothing to me.  Pumpkin is rich in iron, protein, and potassium, as well as various cancer-fighting vitamins like A and K.  Mommy didn't know any of this, so I informed her as politely as I could, without sounding condescending.  I've found parents like to think they know everything....

Safe and Sound

  Well, I made it here in one piece.  Although I believe that we are still being hunted by 4 angry soccer moms, two rednecks, and about 17 truckers due to mommy being "that car" that held up traffic on a one-lane under-construction interstate for 15 miles because she went the speed limit.  The nerve.... But other than that we are safe.  Nanna and Poppy were thrilled to see me, as usual, and I them.  Hey, wait a minute!  I just realized they didn't give me my Lamborghini when I arrived!  Oh wait....duh!  Silly me, they must be saving it as a going away present......don't you think?

Slow Poke

Road trip with mommy driving....one word....

                                                                    AHHHHH!!!!
     It's not that mommy is a bad driver...on the contrary.  She's one of those people that drive at or under the speed limit. (*"Well it is a speed LIMIT, not REQUIREMENT!"  Yeah thanks mom, I know I know.  Go finish your packing, cause I'm out the door tomorrow whether you're ready or not!*)  As I was saying, she never speeds, and she is afraid of large trucks, trucks hauling loose objects, and loud trucks.  This makes for a very annoying ride when you are anxious to hurry up and get somewhere.  And when you need to make a left turn across lanes of traffic where there is no light, she's that person that makes everyone behind her angry that she won't hurry up and go; she waits until she can't see any more cars coming. 
     I can't blame her for her caution, after all she is driving precious cargo in the form of a strikingly handsome young man.  (*No dad, I was talking about me.*)  I just hope we make it before dark....let's see, if it's an eight hour drive and we leave at 4a.m., we should arrive no later than 9p.m......

Phase 2 Twartage

It happened at last!  Mommy left me at a friend's house to go on a date with daddy.  Not nanna or gramma, but a friend!  This is a big day!  There were indeed tears shed...Mommy's feelings got hurt when she kissed me goodbye and I wouldn't even turn around and look at her.  I cried as soon as she left, and I'm sure she and her friend think they were sad tears....no no no.  Tears of JOY!  At last I was away from the scrutiny of family.  At last I was free to commence phase 2 of "Operation Peacful Takeover of All Adult Persons Within a 2,000,000 Mile Radius", "OPTAAPW2MilMR" for short.  (What?  So code names aren't my specialty...sue me.)  Oh what's Phase 1?  If I told you, I'd have to, well, you know.  My plans were thwarted however.  Mommy had instructed her friend far too well on how to handle me, and she swaddled me tightly when I showed signs of fatigue.  I know!  That's cheating!  You can't wrap a man when he's down.  I shall not give up though....I shall never give up!  OPTAAPW2MilMR will come to fruition! 

Blame the Baby Part 2

  So a few weeks ago we talked about how parents blame their vertically challenged offspring for things that were their own fault.  But I've been thinking lately....can I really be blamed even for the things I actually do?  Take for example my new smelly gross diapers; mommy makes this huge deal about how gross my diapers have become lately.  However, who feeds me the solid food that causes my stomach to do somersaults and diapers to be, shall we say, a bit more than lightly aromatic?  Mommy does!  And what about me waking up screaming in the night?  I can't help it that the 'rents haven't learned how to balance solid with liquid feedings to make sure I don't wake up hungry.  NOT MY FAULT!  And I just love when they put me in my excersaucer and then call me cranky when I cry to get out.  Hello!  I didn't want to go in the excersaucer!  You put me there!  But my personal favorite is when some one gets frustrated when I spill their drink, food, etc.  Who put it right next to me?  Mommy or daddy!  *sigh* (Wait, make that *heavy sigh*)  When you think about it, babies can't be blamed for anything we do.  So next time you see one of us screaming hysterically, throwing food, having a fit, pulling our mommy's hair (or the dog's, cat's, local skunk, etc.), projectile spitting-up on the neighbor, or glowering with rage, just remember....it's NOT OUR FAULT!  :)  

  

A Few More 6 Mo Pics

"To Crawl, or Not to Crawl...That is the Question"

"They see me rollin'...they hatin'...patrollin', they tryin' to catch my diaper dirty. Tryin' to catch my diaper dirty, tryin' to catch my diaper dirty.  Tryin' to catch my diaper, tryin' to catch my diaper dirty."

(For those of you who do not know the song I based this one off of, no loss there.)  

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot lately about which to do first - crawl or walk.  While crawling provides an extra milestone in my life (thus making mommy very happy to have something else to document, video, and alert the presses about), walking allows for greater mobility sooner, and lets me avoid those painful palm and knee calluses, not to mention carpet burn.  What to do?  Think of mommy and daddy and choose to crawl, shielding them a little more from the reality that I'm growing swiftly?  Or do what I would prefer to do....cut to the chase and walk.  Put the wants of others first, or think of myself?  Ya know, my life really is complicated.  I know!  I'll refuse to crawl or walk period right now (at least when they're around), and whenever the average kid usually starts walking, I'll let them see me walk for the first time.  Genius!  See, if I don't do anything, they'll start to fear I'm lagging developmentally, and they'll be so excited and relieved when I do walk, they'll completely forget I made them miss out on the joy of seeing me crawl!  This way, no carpet burn, no calluses, and everybody gets what they want....perhaps some more than others.....

Happy Birthday Daddy!

  Today is daddy's birthday!  Mommy and I baked him a wonderful cake, which he turned into a "real man's slice" cake-for-one.  To do so, you bake the cake as one layer, and cut that layer into three triangular pieces.  Then ice and stack each layer, and it looks like just a giant slice of cake...my idea of course.  Maybe I'll be a baker instead of a doctor.  If I can get as big as the Cake Boss, I could still make some serious dough.  Ha ha...get it...make some serious dough.  I slay myself. 

   I chose to stay away from the cake though; gotta' keep lean and mean!  But I did get to play with balloons.  After cake and presents, I took daddy disc-golfing.  I completely demolished him and mommy, finishing way before them...no surpise there.
      My 6 month pictures are already completed!  Got them today!  There are 71, so I'll just post a few now and then for the rest of the month.  Hope you like them as much as mommy does....she literally said "awwwww" for EVERY SINGLE ONE.  That's a lot of "awwwww"'s!!!


Photo Shoot Number 3!

This is me completely conked out after an hour-long photo shoot.  It went really well though....the camera has always loved me, but now I love it back.  Mommy called me some word today....no no not a bad word....it's some kind of food....oh yes!  A ham.  She said I was a ham, which from using context clues, I deduce a "ham" is some one who loves the limelight or something.  I can't help that I was in a good mood today.  I mean gee she complains when I'm in a bad mood, yet when I'm smiley and happy all of a sudden that makes me a dead pig?  (Honestly where did this phrase come from...makes ZERO sense.) However, when we got to my last outfit, I did get rather upset.  Ok I was furious.  But come on I had already been through three other outfits, and then mommy puts a four-piece tux on me!  Now don't get me wrong, I love my tux.  I just don't love it after being changed three times previously in a space of 45 minutes.  However, upon arriving home and taking an hour long nap, I awoke feeling refreshed and ready for more camera time, as you can see.

It's Picture Time Again!!

    Huzzah!  Time for another photo shoot with my favorite photographer.  I just need to get ready.  Mommy already picked out my outfits, but I would have liked a facial and a good whitening treatment to touch up my two-tooth smile.  I guess I'll just wait til everyone goes to bed and get back up and do it myself.  *sigh*  I am also sorely lacking in props...I am dying for that "little red wagon" shot, but I can't find anyone who has one.  You know, those old-fashioned wooden ones, not the metal ones.  Although metal could work if it had character, say, a bunch of rust spots or chipped paint or something.  *Ahem, nanna and poppy, mommy said she used to have one....why have I never seen it?  At least for my 1 year shots I can get some of me in that lamborghini I mentioned before....hint hint*  My photographer wants to know if I have a theme in mind for the shots, but the problem is I'm just such a dynamic guy...I can't be molded to fit one particular look.  I may even spike my hair tomorrow just for kicks and giggles...

Almost There

  I'm starting to get knee splinters from all this practice crawling.  I mean I creeped like 6 inches the other day, what more do you want?!  But I can't stop now, not only is this really important to mommy and daddy, but it will give me greater mobility, which will in turn give me greater independence, which will improve my self-esteem, which will give me a confident attitude, which will help me succeed in school, ultimately gaining me a full-ride scholarship to a top college, which will put me in a better position to get into medical school!  That's right, I have decided to become a doctor rather than a rockstar.  And doctors must know how to crawl...it's like a requirements to get into school I think.  *sigh*  Ok, back to work.

They've Killed Mr. Carrot!!!

  Horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE day.  First of all, I had to go to the doctor for my 6 month check-up, where I got yet another round of shots AND there was a new student doctor that I have never met that took my vitals instead of the nurse I'm used to.  Normally shots don't bother me...I'm a man.  I deal.  But this time....oh buddy.  I don't know what was in those things, but I do NOT feel good.  THEN tonight I found out where carrot really comes from....

MR. CARROT :'(  My all-time favorite squeaky friend!  I made the connection that both he and my new favorite mush have the same last name, and mommy said that is indeed what a food carrot looks like.  And then I understood.....MOMMY KILLED MR.CARROT.  I can't find him anywhere.  She claims that he is being washed because Daisy got ahold of him.  But I'm no baby, I know that beef comes from cow and pork from pig, so carrot must come from Mr. Carrot.  I feel so disillusioned.  I shall never eat carrot again, no matter how amazingly delectably delicious it is.

Carrot-face

This is Carrot

   Oh.  My.  Goodness.  Have you ever had carrot?  In case you haven't, let me explain in detail the amazing substance that this "carrot" stuff is.  It's orange and mushy and smells gross; when mommy first set it in front of me I told her she can keep on walking with that revolting smelling cup of whatever it was.  But she convinced me to take a bite, and wow.  It has this certain quality about it I can't describe...mommy called it "sweet".  I always thought "sweet" referred to my disposition...I didn't know it could be used to describe food, but it makes perfect sense.  Just as I am amazing, carrot is amazing.  Therefore it stands to reason that all other words used to describe me can describe carrot.  I am sweet, so carrot must be sweet.  : )
  Daddy said that carrot grows in the ground, which is obviously ridiculous....it would be filled with dirt if that were true.  (Student doctors....they think they know everything!)  Anyway, I'm not sure how much carrot I consumed...I just ate and ate and ate...I couldn't stop...it was just so addicting...I can't take it....I need carrot NOW!!!!  Ah-hem...ok I'm better now. 
  Not only have I discovered carrot, but I will be sleeping tonight WITHOUT being swaddled.  That's right...I think after 6 months it is time to embrace the wide world as I sleep, instead of myself.  We'll see how it goes....

Summer Vacation is OVER!

Daddy has returned to school. :(  That's why I couldn't blog last night....we were spending one last night as a family before year numero dos of school.  (cue images of sad puppies and tearful goodbyes).  We've been spending a lot of time hanging out the past few weeks, in preparation for this day, including a visit to one of my favorite Mexican restaurants, where I was mobbed by paparazzi.  I mean there I was trying to have a nice dinner out with the 'rents, and they came out of no where and started flashing their cameras.  Luckily, I obtained all their film by threat of projectile vomit.  Geez...people just don't respect family time anymore.  Anyway...today was also me and mommy's first day of school, and let me tell you, what a huge change of schedule!  I mean instead of getting to play in my excersaucer between my nap and next meal, she made me practice crawling!  Ok mom, dad is the one going back to school...not us.  Besides, haven't you heard that "babies are all different; they develop at their own pace" ?  (Although I can of course already walk, but I must play the "infant" routine a little longer for the sake of mommy's emotions.)  Not only that, but she says tomorrow she's resuming her Spanish lessons, and is making me learn with her!  *sigh*  And I was so hoping to study Pathology with daddy....

The Word

So I guess I'm amazing, because I officially let mommy know I am capable of saying her name on purpose.  She's thrilled...I'm pretty sure this has to be the greatest day of her life.  I can't imagine anything topping hearing my sweet voice call her "mama"....Actually I said "awahmama, mama". I was acting a tad whiny because I had dropped my spatula for like the 3rd time, and I was trying to get her attention to pick it up for me, so I turned to her and without thinking called her by name.  I didn't mean to reveal this talent so soon...it just happened.  I guess that settles it - I'll just have to wait til I'm like 9 months old to start crawling.  Otherwise they'll expect stuff like this all the time....you know how parents are.  You do one thing well and they say "Oh well now you've proven how well you can do that, so we expect that every time."  Talk about pressure!  Can I get an "Amen" from my fellow vertically challenged peeps out there?  You know how I feel....