How to Read a Book Without Injury

      I think I should take this opportunity to instruct those who may not be as advanced as I in the skill of grasping and reading a book. Books can be very intimidating, (and some of them are…I mean who decided that very hard books were good for those under three? Just the phrase “board book” makes me grab an icepack in case of injury) but you can do this! Follow these simple steps for a safe and pleasant reading experience. First, you must taste the book, like so -

       If it tastes bitter, it is probably one of the thicker board books and can be dangerous. Proceed with caution. If it tastes slightly sweet (like a stamp), it is made of soft paper that is much lighter, although you must still be wary of paper cuts. If the book has no flavor, it is probably bland and boring, and not worth reading.

       If the book passes the taste-test, proceed to hold it firmly with both hands so it does not crash down on your face (I am only using one hand because I am more advanced...you'll get there), and read the back to determine if it is worth risking facial reconstructive surgery to read -

       Finally, if you have determined by both the taste and summary tests that the book seems like a good read, lay the book on your tummy, open it with one hand, and THEN proceed to lift and read. NEVER attempt to open a book or turn a page while holding it upright. As I mentioned before, they are made of thick board-like material that is heavy and will hurt if dropped on the cranial region.

Before you know it, you will be a book reading pro like myself!