Skills

     You may be wondering about the above picture...well see what ha' happen wuz...I wanted to go to the park.  And daddy thought I needed to practice crawling some more.  So he refused to go to the park, and I refused to crawl...we had reached an impass.  So the plan was to pin him and sit on his jugular until he did what I wanted.  Unfortunately he passed out before he could agree.  Oops...but he came to quickly don't worry.  And we hugged and I apologized, like the wonderful guy I am.  Speaking of crawling, I can go in a circle!  It's rather impressive...and dizzying.  Give me a few more days to let mom and dad adjust to my new talent, and then I'll crawl for real.  I don't want to overwhelm them.  I mean you know how parents are, especially moms.  They get all nostalgic and weepy about how little you used to be and how fast you're growing up.  Moms....

How to Prevent a Diaper Changing

     Lately I've been getting a little tired of all these diaper changes.  When I want my diaper changed, I'll let some one know, until then, I want to be left alone!  So for all of you who share my sentiments, here are some sure-fire ways to prevent, postpone, or make your diaper change extremely difficult.

1. Look extremely adorable.  They'll be so busy looking at your adorable face, they may forget what they were doing.  (Depending on how bad you smell...)
2. Fling your arms and legs rapidly while laughing hysterically.  Once again, this is a mild, cute technique that serves only to distract for a little while.
3. Arch your back, and fling your bottom to the side.  It makes it extremely difficult for them to wipe those horrible cold things on you.  This more aggressive technique will also serve either to irritate, or provoke sympathy in your parental unit.  Either way, it also makes the process much more time consuming.  If you would prefer to provoke smpathy rather than irritate, don't look angry and try to eek out a tear or two.  Make sure to look them in the eye as well....this makes it even more pitiful.

Try all three of these next time some one tries to change your diaper without cause.  Figure out which works best for you.  If you do them properly, it should result in less frequent changes.

Mexican't Food

   Aunt Sarah has been visiting this weekend, and tonight I decided to take her out to dinner.  So I take her to this awesome mexican restaurant, but on the way there I fell asleep, and neither mommy nor daddy had the decency to wake me up for the meal!  I mean seriously?!  This was MY IDEA!  To top it off, when I finally did wake up, they were all finishing up their meals and didn't even bother to order me anything!  So I'm livid at this point.  First of all, I'm embarassed about inviting Aunt Sarah out and then falling asleep.  Second of all, I awoke to find myself covered by a lavender fleece blanket.  Lavender?!  Really mom?  Third of all, no one even had the courtesy to get me some food....not even to-go!  So I start screaming as part of my plan to escape the car seat, and of course it worked.  Mommy put me in her lap where I immediately attempted to wreak havoc on their meals.  I almost succeeded in getting a handful of daddy's enchilada sauce and knocking over mommy's tea, but tonight they were ready;  I was thwarted at every turn.  Just wait til I get another three inches or so....I'll be unstoppable!  Muah-ha-ha-ha!

Baby-lympics

  Have you been keeping up with the Olympics?  Me neither.  Instead I watched the MLS All-Stars vs. Chelsea.  I felt it was fitting to route for MLS, for obvious reasons.  Though their jerseys were all wrong...they didn't even have my picture on them!  Ridiculous.  So I was thinking, why are there no sport leagues for vertically challenged juveniles such as myself?  I think we could definately bring the money in ticket-wise...I mean watching grown men sweat is just gross; now watching babies have crawling races and sitting-up competitions, while we flash our killer smiles and laugh our adorable laughs...that's entertainment.  Instead of buying popcorn and hot dogs at concessions, you can get pureed sweet potatoes and cheerios.  Mmmm...that's good eatin'.

Cannibals!

    Look at this face.  When you look at this face, do you think, "Mmm, dessert!".  No.  No you don't.  You may think "How irresistibly handsome," or, "What a cutie!", or "Look at those hypnotizing baby blues!"  So why is it then that people are continuously staring at me and being like, "I'm gonna eat you up!" and "Oh I could eat that face for dessert!" or my favorite, "Oh he's like a little marshmallow, Nom, nom, nom!"  I mean I'm a little concerned here with all these cannibals running around!  It's like it's not safe to go outside.  People be crazy out there!  Perhaps it's best to stay in the house until I turn three. According to one of daddy's teachers, age 3 is when children lose that awesome cuteness factor.  Although, I fear I may not be so fortunate as to have that happen to me. :)

Baby Seuss

    It is I, MLS, the completely independent wonder-boy!  I can now sit up all alone for long stretches of time.  I can sit up on the floor, I can sit up by the door, I can sit up on a chair, I can sit up anywhere!  I can sit up on the rug, I can sit up by a bug (a bug!  Mommy look a bug!  Look I can pick up the bug!  Mommy why are you screaming at me?), I can sit up on the tile, I can sit up for a while, I can sit up in the car, I can sit up at the bar (in the kitchen), I can sit up on the stair, I can sit up everywhere!

"Dog of the Flies"

Daisy owes me...I saved her life today.  Well sort of.  The veterinarian said she wouldn't have died, but you never know.  Using my baby blues, I discovered a hole on the side of her tummy, like a big needle went in.  I quickly alerted mommy, who came into the room to find out why I was yelling, and noticed the sore spot on Daisy's tummy.  So mommy thinks she discovered the sore, but Daisy and I know better.  Turns out a fly laid an egg inside her!  In the summer and fall, animals outside can contract Cuterebrosis - a botfly lays its eggs in the grass or other vegetation, and then the animal can swallow the larvae without knowing, which matures and creates an air hole through the animal's skin (the needle hole I found), to shortly therafter wriggle out of the animal.  Gross right?  Daddy sent mommy a picture of the worm thing the vet pulled out of the air hole on Daisy, but mommy won't let me post it on here.  Luckily, this particular species of fly is harmless to humans.  So thanks to me, Daisy will live to see another fly-less day.  Some call me a hero, but I only did what any observant, loving, intelligent, adorable pet owner would do. :)

The "Perfect" Child & Why No Parent Really Wants One

It's MLS larger than life!  So you're probably wondering what's with this face...well mommy had asked me to smile for about the thousandth time, and I was sick of it!  I don't get it...I smile ALL DAY LONG.  All day!  And yet she always waits til the last minute to pull te camera out.  "Smile for mama sweet boy!  Smile!"  No!  No I will not smile anymore.  I will not smile for two reasons - first, because you asked me to, implying you think I'm not smart enough to know that you're supposed to smile for a camera, and that knowledge does not put me in the mood to smile.  HELLO!  I am Mr. Photogenic here!  I know what is expected when in front of a camera!  Second, I will not smile because sometimes I am aiming for a more artistic shot, pensive perhaps, or even angry at times.  And Iwould like to point out that you must have the bad to appreciate the good as much...if I never frown, you won't appreciate my smiles as much!  If I never scream or cry, you won't get to breathe that sigh of relief when I stop.  If I never perform the pee fountain when you go to change me, or projectile spit-up on your nicest shirt right before we walk out the door, or cry right when the preacher starts his sermon, you'll never have any funny stories to tell your friends.  Let's just be honest, no body really needs a perfect baby!  (Although unfortunately for my parents, I come pretty darn close!  I'm like the male version of Mary Poppins..."practically perfect in every way.")

Rest My Weary Head

  I'd love to tell you about my thrilling day, but the truth is, all I've done most of the day is sleep.  I am completely worn out from camping and then going to the drive-in for a movie Sunday night.  So today I mostly slept, ate, cried, slept, slept, cried, slept, ate, slept, random couple hours of happiness and playing, slept, ate, bath, ate, wrote this blog, then off to sleep some more.  I tried downing a Pepsi to stay awake, but I couldn't get that darn lid off.  I had some pretty horrible dreams while I slept though.  Most are a little fuzzy, but I distinctly remember dreaming that mommy and daddy had another kid and thought he was just as cute and amazing as I am, but when I woke up screaming, I realized it was just a dream.  Thank goodness!

1st Camping Trip!

What a weekend!  I went on my very first camping trip, hence the reason I wasn't around last night or the night before.  No wi-fi in state parks can you believe that?  So I was footloose and fancy free for a couple days.  I drove for a little while on the way, but then the roads got very twisty and I thought I was going to puke, so daddy took over.  In order to reach this specific campsite you must get severe motion sickness, think you are lost about 5 times, and drive through a very posh neighborhood that suddenly turns into Deliverance country, all the while being taunted by signs claiming you really are on the right path (an hour ago lol).  However the campsite was awesome once we finally arrive.  I designated jobs to mommy and daddy, and supervised the setting up of camp from my Bumbo.                                                               At night we roasted hot dogs and smores (neither of which was I allowed to have...the nerve!).  Mommy had to hold the flashlight on the fire so we could see it.  Daddy said it wasn't his fault ("the wood is wet"...sure dad).  We were also stalked by a cat intent on capturing whatever food he could, and he didn't give up when we went to sleep either!  Try going to sleep with a hungry cat circling your tent, only thin plastic seperating you from this vicious beast!  I however, calmly braved this and other perils (spiders in the bathroom, dew on my blanket - that's right, dew!  Talk about being a wet blanket!  Ha ha get it...wet blanket......) without fear.  I am MLS, rugged mountain man, hear me roar! 

PaaaaaaarTAY!!!!

 Huzzah!  Daddy's back!  He had to go help at a medical clinic thing last night and today, so mommy and I had to stay all alone.  We were both kind of scared and lonely, so we may or may not have thrown a huge party with cars lined up down the street...three different 6Volt Barbie Corvettes got towed, and mommy busted two 1-year olds trying to sneak in wine!  Ok so it was just grape juice, but mommy didn't want to take any chances of it fermenting on our property.  This (alleged) party was so awesome we had to make an age limit.  All persons under 9 months got in free, the rest had to pay 20 bucks.  I earned enough to buy my first car....I'm thinking a Ferrari F1 12Volt, or maybe the Lamborghini Murcielago LP670 6Volt.  Check them out on Ebay.  The Ferrari is 300 bucks more than the Lamborghini, but it goes faster.  What do you guys think?  I agree!  If all the grandparents chip in, I could get both!  :)

We went on a walk to celebrate his return...but I was still worn out from my party

How to Read Faces

The ability to be able to look at some one's expression and know what they are thinking is an invaluable life skill.  Take for example the above picture.  If some one has their face tilted downward with their eyes looking upward with a cute little grin, they are either being flirtacious, or trying to keep from getting punished, because this look says "I'm a bold kind of guy, but I know I have a better chance of getting melting your heart if I pretend to be adorably shy." 

This one is obvious I believe...the wider eyes and open mouth express quiet shock.  As opposed to saying, "Oh my gosh I can't believe you just did that!", this face simply says, "Really??"

And then there's...Oh wait no no this isn't suppose to be on here!  How embarassing!  (*Mommy!!!  You're in big big big trouble!  Come back here I know you did this!  Fine, fine you can run, but I know where you live!)  Well um...it's not what you think.  I wasn't eating the toilet paper...psh, psh.  You thought I was eating it?  No no no silly I was testing it's softness for mommy and daddy's benefit...really.  Why is my mouth opened in a biting gesture?  Well that's easy.  See babies teeth are soft when they first come in (fact), so I was merely using my soft tooth to make sure it was soft paper....yep...yep...

Sitting Duck

 That's right...your eyes are not deceiving you...I have revealed my ability to sit up on my own.  I was going to wait a while longer....like maybe a few more months; get mommy good and worried about me, and then spring it on them out of no where.  But today I was like ya know, mommy does so much with me to try and make sure I'm developing "on track", why not give her a break?  So I sat unassisted multiple times.  Once I did it the first time, she wanted me to do it over and over and over again.  I made sure not to sit up alone more than 11 seconds.  After that I made sure to perform an adorable yet safe kerplunk onto my side.  (Note: Never perform stunts where you'll fall backwards onto your head until at least age 2).  Won't sit up for too long for now...gotta' save some tricks for later.  When daddy came home, he triumphantly hoisted me into the air, and look!  The heavens shone down upon me in congratulatory radiance.  (Cue operatic choir - "Ahhhhhhhhhhhh").

Forget the Rock, just Roll!!

Ok, home studio is officially set up kind of sort of.  I still need a couple things, so give me another week and I'll have a sample track for you guys.  Had to go to the music store today for a cable, and the guy there refused to address me when I spoke to him...so rude.  The only time he acknowledged me was after I yelled at him, and even then it was only in a baby voice..."Hey buddy!  What's the matter?"  Hello...I've only been trying to talk to you for the past ten minutes and you acted like I didn't exist!!  Again...grown-ups.  But now, onto more pressing news....
     my abs and arm muscles are getting seriously ripped. Just sayin'.  I am a rolling over beast now.  You know how I hate to pat myself on the back, but I must tell you...not only can I roll completely over both ways, but I can do it with lightening speed.  Mommy puts me down and BAM I'm across the room.  She even had to expand the blanket I lay on so I don't bang my head on our hardwood floors when I roll further than she anticipated.  Maybe I'll take up gymnastics.  Are you laughing?  You're seriously laughing.  Look buddy, Landon Donovan did gymnastics and look where it got him!  WHAT.  WHAT. 

Almost a Rockstar

Sorry folks, but I'm super busy today....been helping mommy set up my (she says it's hers but whatever) home studio.  Soon I'll be layin down tracks like nobody's business!  I'm not not sure if the world is quite ready for the youngest rockstar in history.  Back to work!!

Once Upon a Time

 Once upon a time there was an absolutely adorable child named MLS (yes, he realizes his initials also stand for Major League Soccer; please, no teasing).  He loved to read books, but his parents seemed to think they were the ones reading the books to him.  One day, he grew weary of the charade of pretending he couldn't read for himself, so he secretly went in search of a book.  What luck!  His mommy had left one on the floor near his playmat!  He had to act fast; mommy was almost done cooking lunch in the kitchen!  He swiftly rolled onto his belly, and began kicking his legs and flailing his arms with all his might, in an attempt to

reach the book.

But alas, try as he might, the book remained just out of reach.  He wanted to scream, but he knew that would bring mommy running in.  Instead, he channeled all the energy of a scream into one final giant back-kick, and the next thing he knew, the book was in his hand!                                                                      

He didn't have much time left!  Like lightening he whirled onto his back and held the book aloft in triumph.  But then, just as he was about to open the cover and begin reading, he heard his mommy coming.  Thinking fast, he lowered the book and commenced staring at it mindlessly, so mommy would never suspect him of a covert reading attempt.  "Ok mommy," he said to himself, "You won the battle, but you won't always be around....you have to cook dinner tonight."  Will MLS succeed in his attempts to read a book for himself?  Find out next month in "Once Upon a Time - The Sequel."

Date Night

 I must say, I absolutely love date night.  It may be my most favorite night of the week.  A little coffee, some walking around town, and of course, pizza.  Mommy  claims they do this for them, not for me, but I know the truth.  They just want to show me off to the world.  So why is it that when I raised my voice to make sure everyone in the coffee shop could here me speak, mommy cruelly distracted me with Jingles the elephant.  I had planned to lecture on modern art and maybe cinema as well; I mean isn't that what you do at those artsy smartsy coffee places?  I mean yes I realize everyone else was being quiet, but I assumed they were politely waiting for me to address them.  Mommy says I was mistaken and one more outburst like that and she'll leave me with a babysitter next date night....ha ha that's funny.  Well at least tomorrow is Sunday, when I can go to church and be with my own kind.  Maybe the girls in the nursery will be interested in my views on cubism and the decaying world of art as we know it....

Slice of Life

Some one explain to me why people keep taking away everything I put in my mouth?  I simply have a hunger to explore, a taste for adventure if you will.  Now some things I understand not being allowed to put in my mouth, like buttons, or safety pins, or legos.  But what about the things I can't possibly swallow?  Like mommy's famous blue water bottle, or keys, or puppy dog tails?  Whatever....grown-ups are weird.  It's ok to throw a shoe at your computer when you're mad at it, but apparently it is NOT ok to gently lick the keyboard.  But even when I try to put food in my mouth, some one stops me!  Hello...it's food.  I even have a tooth now.  A WHOLE ENTIRE

TOOTH.  I can gum-gnaw anything you put in front of me to shreds.  Not that I would of course, because "my digestion is still too delicate for solid foods."  All I'm really doing is smelling things...that's right...babies are like snakes; we smell with our tongues.  Honestly, that's all I'm doing...I would never dream of actually swallowing that delectable looking toasted apple-wood smoked turkey sandwich, and as for that chicken quesadilla, child please.  None of that melty, creamy, just-the-right-amount-of-spice cheese covered with fresh, tender chicken between two soft, warm tortillas for me.  No thankyou....

Baby PMS

You know how people always blame a mommy's bad mood on PMS, and she always gets mad because that's usually never the reason?  Well I feel the same way about people saying I must be tired whenever I'm in a bad mood.  "Oh poor baby, you're getting fussy...you must be tired."  Noooooo...I'm fussy because you're sitting there eating a five course meal and haven't offered me a thing.  Or because I was playing with that yellow cup you just stole and put in the dishwasher.  Or because of the hole in the ozone layer.  Or because I have limited mobility but limitless energy.  Or because I hate the shirt you're wearing.  Or because this is your favorite book, NOT mine.  Or because I think this wall color is sooooo boring.  Or because of the lack of peace in the middle east.  Or just because I want to be.  Very rarely am I actually tired.  I mean I sleep 15 hours out of the 24, how could I possibly ever be tired?!  But does anybody stop to think, "Hey, maybe this kid's frustration is due to deep-seated anxiety about the state of society." ?  Nooooooo.  So please, next time you're tempted to blame fatigue for a child's frustrated demeanor, just give him or her some space or time to vent.

Blame the Baby

    I love that grown-ups blame everything on the baby....I'm the convenient excuse for everything -

Inquirer: "What's that smell?"
Parent: "Oh no it must be the baby...he's had gas all day."
Yeah right.

Inquirer: "Want to walk another mile?"
Parent: "No I think the baby is getting overheated."

Parent: "I didn't get any sleep last night."
People just assume that's due to the baby without even asking.  Nevermind the fact said adult was more likely up all night watching netflix.

Inquirer: "I'd love to come visit!  When's a good time?"
Parent: "Oh well the baby has been fussy today, I think he needs to rest."

Person on the phone: "Talk, talk talk, ya-da ya-da ya-da, blah blah blah."
Parent: "I hate to interrupt, but I have to let you go...gotta' feed the baby."

    See what I mean?  Grown-ups can blame anything on us!  It's ridiculous!  I think I'll do the same to them when I'm older...

Girl that I can't stand: "Hey you want to go out Friday night?"
Me: "Oh sorry, but my parents said no."

Teacher: "Have you signed up to help pick up litter in the park Saturday?"
Me: "No, I need to spend some quality time with my parents."

Friend's Mom who can't cook: "Sweetie, you haven't touched your food."
Me: "Oh well my parents said not to eat anything I'm unfamiliar with."

Ha ha ha...oh how the tables shall turn.

There's No Place Like Home

Finally home again after my Tour De South.  Got in at 2:30 in the morning!  Needless to say, I made up for lack of sleep today.  I had fun at Gramma and Grampa's house.  We went to a city park and saw a detention center for wayward swans.  No I'm serious...there were dozens of good, well-behaved swans and ducks swimming and waddling around everywhere, but then this one area at the very back of the park had chain-length fence and those prison pod thingys, and it had maybe 20 swans in there.  What else could it be but swan prison? 

I also met an incredibly ugly creature with a rounded, hard back that mommy calls a "turtle".  The picture with the ugly weird thing staring up that's really creepy?  Yeah that's a turtle.  They're not so bad when they aren't maliciously eyeing you.  And I saw other animals I'd seen before, like squirrels, duckies, and butterflies.

 

I'm thinking I've had enough of travelling for a while...I mean mommy and daddy don't have to be strapped into a chair facing backwards where you can't even sit up or put your feet in your mouth, so why should I?  By the way, if you ever see a very large goose with it's wings completely spread out quickly waddling towards you...RUN.  Run as fast and as far as you can.  Just a word of advice...

Checkin' In

A. The Boys

One of the pairs of shorts mommy made

     


















      I have been all over the place for the past week; three days left of my southern US tour.  I've pretty much been a party animal.  And people have showered me with hugs, kisses, and presents.  You'd think I was a major celebrity.  At home, mommy can't hold me as much as I'm sure she would like to because she has to clean house and do laundry and other stuff she claims is important; for the past week I don't think I've sat on my own more than 10 minutes.   It's pretty stinkin' awesome! 
     
     So let's see, what all have I done?  Well I went shopping for some summer onesies...sleeveless is the latest fashion in this ridiculously hot weather.  I hung out with the boys as you can see from picture A (even the doggie is a boy).  I got to visit with TONS of family and friends of mommy and daddy's.  And I even got to go swimming (pic. B and C)!!!  I was born for the water...I mean there's a reason humans spend 9 months of their lives in fluid...we are meant to swim!!!  And Nanna taught mommy how to make shorts for me!  They are by far the greatest shorts in the history of shorts.  *Mommy stop it!  This is my blog!  You may not interject your opinions!*  Sorry folks.  I must agree that they are pretty great shorts.  Ok mom, kudos for the clothes.  Continuing... 

C. Lemme GO! I can do it myself!

     I have left the far south and am now visiting with Gramma, Grampa, and Aunt Sarah.   Besides this appalling heat, so far it has been quite fun.  Today I made a tour of the place Gramma works, and tomorrow I'm going to a vegetable farm with Grampa.  I need some fresh tomatoes to perfect my Pasta Magnifico Al Dente.  Oh you thought 5 month olds actually live off of milk?  No no...we cook every night after the 'rents go to bed.  All those dirty pots and pans mommy finds in the sink every morning and blames daddy for?  Haha...yep...all me.  Shhhhhh!!

B. Sun Too Bright!