Blown Away

Mommy recently informed me of my viewership for this blog.  This was my reaction....

  Now for my formal speech of gratitude.  Ahem:
     Thank you so much to everyone who believed in the dream of an infant.  I am just so happy to be helping so many parents understand their babies a little better.  I'd like to thank all the little people (myself), and mommy, for letting me use her computer even though she could just give me the mini to have for myself but she won't because she says I'm too young but it's funny how I'm old enough to write a blog. Sorry....as I was saying.  I'm completely blown away by the number of people I get to inadvertantly talk to everyday, and I hope I've made you laugh, think about things you never would have before, and realize how smart we vertically challenged youths really are.

   Phew...glad that's over. I get so nervous when I make speeches....my hands get all sweaty and my onesie feels two sizes too small.  Onto the after-party!  *Mommy!  Where's my punch?  Where's my gluten-free, soy-free, dairy-free cake&ice cream?  Mommy I know you can hear me!*

Bundle Who?

 I am continually amazed by all the things people are allowed to put babies in, be it clothing, a toy, a stroller accessory, etc. that would never be acceptable for a grown-up. 
                                                            Exhibit A: The Bundle Me

Mommy aquired this cocooning smother-bag at a recent MOPS meeting (not this particular one...I don't have a picture of mine with me inside because I wouldn't let mommy take one...too humiliating).  *Sidenote: To whatever mother brought this item to give away....you'll pay for this!  I'm going to track you down next week, charm you with my smile, and just when you take hold of me, I'll projectile spit up on that fancy blouse you wore thinking it was safe since your own kid would be off in MOPPETS.  Muah-ha-ha-ha!
     For those of you not familiar with the Bundle Me, it is basically a sleeping bag that attaches into your stroller or car seat.  You fasten all the seat belts as normal, and then zip the thing up with baby inside.  I mean you leave their head out of course (although I have seen babies completely encased inside, and that just bothers me).  But still!  How humiliating is that!  I'm forced to stroll around town zipped inside this thing, only my head "peeking" out as passers-by comment, and be subjected to patronizing stares from old and young alike, because it's just "so adorable".  Even the name of the thing makes me feel smothered...."Bundle Me."  No!  Bundle yourself.  I'll bundle you in the face buster!  You can take your Bundle Me and stuff it!  No, no not with me.  Noooooooooo!

"Cuz I Struggle With Forward Motion"

There is a song mommy likes to play that is particularly fitting for my current predicament.  Thank you Reliant K.  Well listen up people (cough, mommy, cough).  I'm tired of getting a hard time from just because I won't crawl yet.  Any baby can crawl.  It takes talent to scoot backwards.  That's right....backwards.  None of this forward nonsense for me.  You can just as easily get where you want to go moving backwards as you can forwards.  But don't use that as an analogy for life because it's completely unfounded.  All that "two steps forward, one step back."  No, no.  You never really go backwards in life; you just make bad decisions that keep you stuck where you are.  Funny how grown-ups don't understand that concept.  Can't tell you how many times I've heard the ridiculous phrase in my short little life.  But perhaps I can not fault people for continuing to say these adorable catchy phrases without thinking about what they mean.  After all, I am quite the thinker, so it's only natural for me to criticize and analyze.

"Paging Dr. MLS"

"Paging Dr. MLS.  Dr. MLS please report to surgery."  Well I've done it...I've finished medical school.  At least I assume I'm done - they already gave me the outfit.  Daddy is quite jealous...I told him not to feel bad just because his almost 8 month old was able to fly through med school in 7 months.  They usually do force you to stay in for 4 years, but once they met me and were completely confounded by my knowledge of medicine, they just passed me on through.  Now to residency.  Looks like I'm doing ER since that's the outfit they gave me.  I'm ok with that.  That way I can work out a "7 on 7 off'" type deal so that I can still pursue my other interests....such as blogging, being a rock star, writing a New York Times best seller, and learning to crawl.  Hmmm...that's a small hiccup....a doctor that can't get around without his mommy.  I've got it!  I'll just take the walker to work every day and use it.  Problem solved!  In fact, why even waste time and energy learning to walk when I can just use my walker?  I mean it has a seat to relax when I'm with a stressful patient, and best of all, built in toys!  All the other docs are so going to be jealous.....

Prayer for Children

   This will be my most serious post to date, but I have a lot weighing on my heart, and since it's such a little heart, it's very heavy right now.  I spent Saturday with friends because mommy and daddy had to go to their foster care training class.  I'm not sure what foster care is exactly, but from what I understand it means that some parents make big mistakes that sometimes hurt their kids, so the kids need to be placed somewhere safer until their parents can get better.  But mommy said that sometimes their parents don't get better, and the kids have to find a new home.  I don't understand....why would you have an amazing, wonderful, awesome baby, if you aren't even going to take care of him/her?  I can't imagine mommy and daddy not taking care of me, just like their parents took care of them, and theirs of them and so forth.  How could you hurt a child?  I know we babies be act all big and bad sometimes, but we're really tiny and defenseless.  Why would some one take their anger out on us? 
      Mommy said that sometimes it's not that the parents intentionally hurt their child, but they make "lifestyle choices" (whatever that means) that affect their ability to care for their child.  But I don't see how that's any different than intentionally hurting your child.  Mommy even told me that some people shake their babies.  PEOPLE ACTUALLY SHAKE BABIES!!!!!!  I cried when she told me...I may cry now just thinking about it.  Common sense says if you're baby is crying, shaking them will either make them cry harder, or if it does make them stop, something is now VERY VERY WRONG with them! 
      So today,  spend time praying for all the kids in the U.S. who have to leave their homes and everything familiar, all because their parents made bad decisions.  Pray that God will raise up more people like mommy and daddy to take care of them (because mommy also said that some foster parents end up being just as bad as the child's birth parents!).  Pray for all the struggling parents too....parents who didn't have good parents themselves, so they have never had a model to follow.  Pray that those parents will have people in their lives that tell them about God, and how He is a Father to the fatherless.  Pray for the people of Social Services who have to deal with these situations daily - that God will come into their lives too, and give them compassion and wisdom.  And pray for your own family...maybe you can take in a foster child, or adopt one waiting for a permanent home.

Pop-Up Perturbance

There is something that haunts my dreams....something dark and sinister that I can't forget about.  Everyday I see their seemingly happy, smiling faces.  I can't make them go away!!  They are "The Creatures From the Pop-Up Toy"!  Bom bom bom!!!! (*cue high-pitched hysterical scream)

 Just look at them...their smiling faces masking their devilish delight at my annoyance with them.  You put them down, but there they are again!  They just keep popping back up over and over again.  Don't let their cute expressions fool you; that's how they sucked me in. I know what you're thinking - "Oh MLS they look harmless enough to me."  No!!!  You know something is wrong with some one when you continously slam their face down, but they still come back up wearing the same creepy smile every SINGLE TIME!     
    I just can't stop though....it's an addiction.  I must rid the world of these varmits!  Don't worry everyone, MLS is on  the job!

Who Am I?

 So I'm trying out a few different looks....what do ya' think?  Winnie-the-MLS?  MLS Pumpkinhead?  No I'm not practicing for Halloween; I just feel that it's important for people to get outside of themselves once in a while....to be some one other than themselves.  No no I'm not talking about going Schizo or split-personality or something.  I just mean that every now and then, one grows tired of being the person everyone expects you to be.  When in disguise, you can do all kinds of things that no one will think is weird, because no one knows it's you. 
      For example, as MLS Pumpkinhead, I can sit on the front porch and make creepy jack-o-lantern faces and it will be ok.  Or as Winnie-the-MLS, I can down a whole jar of honey and no one will try and stop me!  Which would be awesome because up to now, mommy has not let me have any.  Some nonsense about Botulism....I think she and daddy just want to hog it all to themselves.  Parents can be tricksy like that....like when they try and feed you spinach and tell you how great it is, all the while holding the spoon as far away from themselves as possible and trying not to gag.  Ok, cause that's not obvious....

Rachmaninoff's Got Nothin' On Me!

I have discovered I am somewhat of a piano prodigy....ok perhaps prodigy is too strong a term.  I can hit the keys though.  I can hit them LOUD.  I can even do cross-overs, and mommy said most pianists don't perfect this technique for years and years.  The music just comes to me; it flows from my heart to my brain back down to my hands and just happens.  I think I'll call my first composition, "Rattles on a Hard-Wood Floor",  becase it has this loud, rythmic, bordering on obnoxious sound to it.  It's very abstract.  Mommy liked it.  She said people have become famous for pieces of art that looked just as advanced as my song sounded.  I think that's a compliment....But you know fame is a fickle thing.  Here today, gone tomorrow.  However, if I can compose one really great piece, it could last hundreds and hundreds of years!  So back to the drawing board.  Or rather, the keyboard. 

Doin' Pull-ups

   Big news!  MAJOR news!  GIGANTIC NEWS!  (Pause: Kindly ask your hopes to come back down, because no, I have not decided to crawl).  I can pull myself onto my knees from sitting!  Check out these guns!

Shortly after my buddy left yesterday, mommy was practicing piano, and the music was just so inspiring that I just had to try.  So I did!  I had been singing along the whole time, but when I pulled myself up my voice projected so much better (that pack-n-play is like singing in a box...the sound just reverberates around you and never gets anywhere) and mommy noticed the difference and turned around to see my adorable self peeking over the changing station at her.  She was thrilled....I don't think I've ever seen her that happy and proud before.  She wasn't even that happy when I gave her the most gigantic monstrous poop I could muster, and I was proud of that thing!  So of course when daddy came home I had to do it again for him, and he was equally excited.  I mean I know it's impressive but geez I do impressive things everyday; you'd think they'd be usd to it...

Guy Time

   What a day...first I meet a friend of mommy's who is about to have a son.  Thinking of him getting to be inside that nice, cozy stomach reminded me of my days on the inside...oh to be young and carefree in my comfy waterbed again...
  Then I had a buddy come over for some guy time.  Or as mommy so annoyingly calls it, a "play date".  First  of all, we're both dudes...you are not allowed to call two dudes hanging out together a date.  EVER.  Second of all, we did not "play", we merely appeared to be playing so as not to intimidate mommy and her friend with our intellectual discussions.  We discussed our views on the upcoming election, as well as our theories on parent-rearing.  We also had a bubble blowing contest, because men do not spend time together without having some kind of competition.  It's in the handbook.  You don't know about the handbook?  Well, if you don't know about it, I can't tell you anything....
  

Wake Up Call

    Only babies wake up just as cute as they were before they went to sleep.  Think about it.  When the average adult goes to bed at night, it is inevitable that they will wake up with bad hair, bad breath, and possibly in a bad mood.  Furthermore, it would be unacceptable for them to then go to work or school without brushing both hair and teeth and getting appropriately dressed.  I however always wake up cute.  It doesn't matter if I wake up crying; I still look cute.  I can wear my pjs the whole rest of the day, even go out in public in them, and no one will see anything wrong with that.  I can have crazy bed head all day long and no one will look at me funny or laugh.  And I usually always awaken in a good mood.  Now mommy likes to argue that if she slept 12-14 hours a day she'd always wake up in a good mood too, but I believe it is my sense of humor and bright outlook on life that keep me so peppy and exuberant.  Perhaps if the average adult could recapture that childlike innocence and whimsical charm, they could be as happy as me and my comrades upon awakening each day.

The Hat

 Sported "The Hat" today.  I looked pretty fly if I do say so myself.  Panama Jack meets Neal Caffrey if you will.  Went out in the hat today...attracted some serious attention.  Just strolling down the street women were rolling down car windows to comment on how cute I was, and guys at the grocery store would say, "What a fine hat young man!" and "Love the hat son."  Which as we both know is code for "You look stinkin' adorable and stylish and I just want to oooh and aaaah over you but I'm a dude so I don't want to appear sentimental or creepy."  I think it's a shame men believe they must hide behind a mask of macho-ness and never show true emotion. Good thing I have a mommy who will teach me it's ok for men to cry, show feelings, and be vulnerable and sweet.  (Ok, I think mommy isn't looking over my shoulder now....IGNORE the previous two sentences.  Repeat, IGNORE the previous two sentences.  Be a man!  Rub some dirt in it, etc., etc.)
I think daddy was a little jealous of all the attention "the hat" was getting, so I tried to help him turn his hat into a fedora, but alas, my bite just wasn't strong enough to flatten out that darn bill.  At least I know what to get daddy for Christmas...

Outfit of Choice

   The above picture shows one of the only acceptable ways to wear matching clothes (with your parental unit).  Socks are fine....even shoes because most likely no one will notice.  Heck, if your mommy or daddy wants to wear a matching diaper, fine (although this may be revealing of a deeper psychological issue...perhaps a sense of loss caused by growing up and an inability to cope with adult responsibilities.  If so, I would have a serious discussion with said parent).  But never, under any circumstances, wear matching outfits.  When you are older and have siblings, you will be forced to match them, but matching with your brother or sister is one thing...you parents....well....
       Should they attempt to put you in anything that resembles what they are wearing, hold your arms in such a way that makes it impossible for them to get the shirt/onesie on you and scream like a banshee!  There are however two very important exceptions to this rule....if mommy or daddy is wearing something really stylish and cool, copy the look  on a different day, not the same day.  And, never intentionally make mommy cry.  EVER!  So if she starts to look teary eyed because you won't wear that sweater vest to match daddy, just give in.  Because as we all know, one rule that should never be broken - Don't upset your food-source.

Intellectual Starvation

       I understand that when I was little, there were things that I did or didn't need to do to promote healthy development - I understand not being allowed to watch NCIS because my brain couldn't process the montage.  I understand that I couldn't have rice and sweet potatoes because my stomach couldn't digest them yet.  I understand that high-contrast board books were good visual stimulation.  So what I don't understand is why now, after doing everything mommy asked me to or not to do (for the most part), she still won't let me read more advanced books.  In fact she possessively hoards them to herself and won't even let me taste them to find out if they're worth reading! 

        I know I own over a hundred books of my own that I could choose to read, but I'm ready for a challenge!  And besides, it's not like her latest pick Tale of Applebeck Orchard is that difficult.  I mean come on mommy, it has talking animals (*"It's not just about the animals!  It's a mystery series based on the life of Beatrix Potter thank you very much!"  Mommy!  We have discussed you interrupting me while I'm blogging!*)  Sorry about that...as I was saying.  TALKING ANIMALS!  So really, it's not even that much more advanced than the books I already have; it just doesn't have any pictures and is merely 300 pages longer than most of my books.  I'm totally ready.  Ya know, this kind of deprivation now could lead to severe learning obstacles when I'm older, as I try to overcome my sense of self-doubt and inadequacy when faced with challenging work.

A Failure to Communicate

 You know what really burns me up?  Like really really really just overcooks my rice cereal?  The fact that mommy has waited so long for me to communicate with her in a way she can comprehend, and when I finally give in and let her know what I want by shaking my head yes, she still doesn't give me what I want!  I mean here I was, trying my best to get her to understand "Yes, I do want to eat this piece of paper.  It looks yummy and provides fiber," and she kept saying no.  She would even ask, "You don't want that ol' yucky paper do you?"  I would shake my head yes, and she says, "No, no you don't."  I almost got whiplash from trying to make her understand "yes"!  If using a supposed "higher" form of communication is still not going to get me what I want, why bother?  I say supposed because as we all know, babies are born bilingual (we know English, we just choose not to lower ourselves to such a vulgar tongue until we absolutely must), which makes us far more advanced at the art of communication.  It's not our fault that parents don't remember how to speak Mmmghhfummba (language of babies).  But you know what I really don't get?  Mommy was so thrilled that I was showing her I understand when she asks a question, yet she STILL didn't give me the paper.  Ok, if you've been waiting 7 months for your kid to respond to you in a way that doesn't involve loud yelling (whether happy or angry or sad), wouldn't you reward that kid with whatever he wanted?  Well I'm on strike now.  No more communication until the paper is returned to me.  Tick-tock mommy.  You'll crack.  Tick-tock.

Left Behind

Mommy went to Fellows today....and she just left me at home with daddy.  Without so much of a "Oh, by the way buddy you aren't going to be in Fellows with me this semester."  I can't believe it...I'm just so hurt.  I mean without me, who's going to explain spiritual disciplines?  And who's going to come up with funny comments at just the right moment?  And who's going to keep everyone on track when conversation starts to wander?  And most importantly, who is going to provide an adorable face for all the girls to smile at?  I just don't get it...was I too dazzlingly clever?  Did I intimidate them with my witty banter and knowledge of exgetical principles?  Was I too harsh when I contradicted people?  I must have been since mommy or daddy one always took me out when I raised my voice in protest.  That's it then - I just wasn't considerate enough.  I should have known my towering intellect was overwhelming everyone and taken it down a notch.  Oh well, such is life.  Some people (cough, mommy, cough) just can't handle being shown up by an infant....

Monkeying Around

 So sorry for my absence yesterday; my computer refused to load my homepage even after I threatened to smash its motherboard.  You know how electronics are...once you let them in your life, they think they are in charge.  Kind of like parents....
   Anyway, the doc informed mommy that her LDL was a bit elevated *she insists I also mention that her HDL was very high (this is good)*, so I forced her to take me on a walk through town to the park.  At first she refused as it was rather hot yesterday, but after a bit of both coaxing and threatening, she relented so long as I allowed daddy to come with us.  Which of course I did, as he was looking a bit peakish from staying inside all week studying.  As a result of said trip to park, I have a new skill to show off......

TA-DA!!!

Please, hold your applause.  I'm sure every baby is capable of this....ha what am I saying go ahead applause applause!  Speaking of applause, I would like to applaud you all for voting for me every day on facebook as I am QUITE SURE you ALL ARE EVERY DAY. :)  At least all the days that end in "day".   
    And right now some of you are going through all the days of the week in your mind to see which ones end in "day"....oh dear....

Sweet Dreams?

  What's up with that phrase "Sleeping like a baby"?  I'm quite sure that if any grown-ups remembered what sleep was like as a baby, they would NOT give this phrase a positive meaning.  First of all, babies have to deal with "The Nightmare".  All the babies in the entire world have it at least once a day.  First you are sleeping on a soft, fluffy cloud.  Then, an angel gently wakes you and brings you whatever food your heart desires, not just milk and mushed up vegetables.  After this wonderful meal, you go for a nice, long flight.  Then, all of a sudden, you're falling, falling, falling, until CRASH!  You are trapped in a box on wheels, with mesh walls and scary jungle animals.  A monstrous beast lifts you out and begins slathering pink gunk all over your skin, after which the beast holds you so tightly you begin to gasp for air.  Then the beast plays a terrifying game in which it disappears and reappears from behind a blanket over and over again, each time looking more maniacally happy than the time before.  Then you realize....I'm not asleep any more!!!  This is my life!  AHHHHHH!  (*No mommy I wasn't calling you a monstrous beast....I was referring to, um, Daisy.  Yeah, Daisy...*)
   Secondly, babies fall asleep in the most inconvenient places and the most awkward times.  Example, you are in Wal-Mart and a way too friendly scary lady comes up to your mommy and starts talking about how cute you are and how she wishes she could take you home with her.  Then, you fall asleep, only to awake in the car, completely disoriented and petrified that the scary lady kidnapped you.  I mean think about it, how would you like to fall asleep nice and cozy in your bed at home, and wake up in the nursery at church?  With NO WARNING!  It's a terrible feeling....so next time you are tempted to wish you could "sleep like a baby", think again.

Mouth-Gear

    BIG NEWS!  GIGANTIC NEWS!  MONSTROUSLY ENORMOUS NEWS!  I got two brand new pacis!!!!  To your left is the distance view, below a lovely close-up view.  I also have one with a dragon on it.  I feel the knight is most appropriate for me, as I am most definately a knight-in-shining-armor to some lucky lady....I haven't met her yet, but I'm sure she's out there some where.  And when I find her, I shall sweep her off her feet!  Assuming I can walk by that point...
   In other news, VOTE!  Are you voting?  Did you vote today?  What about yesterday?  VOTE VOTE VOTE!  Stop reading this right now and go vote.  Please.  *I'm flashing my "most adorable, can't possibly refuse anything I ask" smile right now*  If you don't know what I'm talking about, see yesterday's post for a link to vote for me in the Gerber Generation Photo Contest.

It's Voting Time!!!

This is the one.  THIS EXACT PICTURE.  If it doesn't look like this, DON'T VOTE FOR IT!!!!  What am I talking about?  Gerber Generation Photo Contest!  From today until Sept. 24th, you can vote for me on facebook to win a 10,000 dollar college scholarship in my milestone category.  If the judges like me, I could win 50,000 cash and be in a national ad for Gerber!  And what's not to like?  I mean look at this face!  This particular picture even looks like the official Gerber baby.  But I have to have your help to win!  I NEED YOUR VOTES!  Vote everyday from now until the 24th.  I'm not going to beg....ok I am going to beg.  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE vote for me everyday!  If you vote for me, I'll be able to go to college, write a world-famous book that makes millions of dollars, and share it all with you!  No really....I will......
  Go to this link to vote! https://apps.facebook.com/gerberps/detail.do?entry_id=322938&utm_source=contender&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=ps3&utm_content=your_entry1

Ready, Aim, Fire!!

    After months of having mommy and daddy get upset with me when I pee without my diaper on, I've reached the conclusion that the issue must be my aim. I'm quite certain they can't possibly be upset by such an adorable child merely doing what he can not help doing because he has not reached the age of being able to control his bladder, so it must be aim. So, for any of you who have also found your parental units to be, shall we say, less than understanding when it comes to this subject, here are a few tips to keep them pacified when you just have to go.
   1. Never intentionally turn toward a wall in an attempt to avoid hitting mom or dad.  While you'd think this would please them because you were trying to look out for them, it seems to frustrate them further. 
  2. Aim low.  If you should unfortunately shoot some one in the face, laugh quietly on the inside, and then look very very pitiful (bottom lip out in full force!); start crying IMMEDIATELY.  Not a loud obnoxious cry, but a heart-breaking, "wah, ah, ah, ah, ah" sort of cry.  They will be so consumed with figuring out why you are suddenly so sad, that they'll forget all about their pee-covered face...for a little while at least.
  3. Start talking to yourself any time your diaper is removed.  This way in case of any untimely potty incidents, they will see that you were not paying attention when it happened, and therefore could not have done it on purpose.
  4.  NEVER EVER EVER look them in the eye after the fact.  They view this is defiance, and I've noticed parents tend to not like defiant children.  (I know, this seems very unfair since they are so defiant themselves.  I mean they rarely do what you tell them to when you tell them to do it.  I usually have to repeat myself over and over and over again before it gets done.  Geez.)

Born to Behave

  What da ya' think?  I look good on a hog huh?  Ok so it's just a scooter....but I thought I'd better start small.  Ok so maybe my feet don't quite reach the ground, but I can work with that.  Stilts are going to make a come back soon, I'm sure of it.  Mommy wants to get rid of this thing, but look at me!  I was made for speed!  I want to feel the wind in my hair!  I want to hit the open road, and then I can blog about my experiences like a modern-day Jack Kerouac.  Only he was much too jaded for my tastes....I am younger and more optimistic about life, which should make my writings much more fun to read. 
    First I'll ride to the nearest Gymboree and work out for a while.  Riding a cycle is hard work, and I want to look and feel my best.  Then I'll hit the Harley Davidson store for some new threads.  I wonder if they have an infant department there....

AUBURN FOOTBALL IS HERE!!!!!

  It's time!  The time I've heard about, dreamed about, waited and longed for!  AUBURN FOOTBALL SEASON!!!!  I have vague memories of last football season (I was at the spa getting a total body makeover, but I could hear everything going on outside).  However I am looking forward to getting the total Auburn football experience this year.  Queso and chips, some hot wings, a 6-pack of milk, my Auburn onesie (oh wait, I outgrew it already....I'll just wear the shorts and go shirtless like a real man!).  Listening to the game now...won't get to hear the outcome though.  Gotta' get plenty of sleep for my big day in the nursery tomorrow.  See there's this girl...born a few weeks after me....and well....she's um.....kind of cute....and I'd like to talk to her, but she can already crawl, so I must resort to my killer smile and winning personality to impress her.  And for that, I need to be well rested so I don't have those dark circles under my eyes like mommy does (she blames them on me, puh-leez!)